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Do you agree or disagree with the following statement New fathers should get a paid vacation from work when they have a baby v.2

New fathers should get a paid vacation from work when they have a baby v. 2
First of all, father who has an opportunity to get a paid vacation, is able to spend more time with his families. This in turn will give to the father a chance to know his child, which undoubtedly can contribute to relationships inside the family. If the father takes a vacation, he is capable to help his wife with shores and looking after the baby. Although in most of the cultures it is women`s responsibility to take care of the newborn, very often women experience deep depression after birth, in this case fathers can help to deal with the negative emotions and protect psychological health of their families. To that end, having paid vacation by fathers can help them to build strong relationships with their loved ones. Secondly, having a paid vacation can make the father a better worker. Productivity of an employee very often affected by his satisfaction in personal life. It is obvious, that when the employee has enough time to spend with his family, especially in such important moments as having a newborn, he will come every day to work in a good mood and perform his tasks much better than a worker who has difficult relationships inside of his family. Even giving paid vacation to fathers can seems too expensive for some companies, it actually can benefit them by having a worker who back to work from the vacation rested and full of new ideas. So, paying to father for vacation by companies can build positive attitude of the father toward the company and make him a great employee. In conclusion, I feel that new fathers should get paid vacation from work when they have a newborn. This is because it is likely to help fathers to become better member of the family and advance in their career, which in turn can benefit all society.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
father
who has an opportunity to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
vacation
, is able to spend more time with his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
. This in turn will give to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
father
a chance to know his child, which
undoubtedly
can contribute to relationships inside the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
. If the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
father
takes a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
vacation
, he is capable to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
his wife with shores and looking after the baby. Although in most of the cultures it is
The character between 'women' and 's' is an accent character, not a standard apostrophe character. Use "women’s" (curly apostrophe) or "women's" (straight apostrophe).
women`s
responsibility to take care of the newborn,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
women experience deep depression after birth,
in this case
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fathers
can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
to deal with the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
emotions and protect psychological health of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
. To that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
having
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
vacation
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fathers
can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
them to build strong relationships with their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
loved
ones.

Secondly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
having
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
vacation
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
father
a better worker. Productivity of an employee
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
by his satisfaction in personal life. It is obvious, that when the employee has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
time to spend with his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
,
especially
in such
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
moments as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
having
a newborn, he will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
every day to work in a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
mood and perform his tasks much better than a worker who has difficult relationships
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "inside".
inside of
his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
. Even giving
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
vacation
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fathers
can seems too expensive for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
, it actually can benefit them by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
having
a worker who back to work from the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
vacation
rested and full of new
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, paying to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
father
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
vacation
by
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
can build
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
attitude of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
father
toward the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
him a great employee.

In conclusion
, I feel that new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fathers
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
vacation
from work when they have a newborn. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it is likely to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fathers
to become better member of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
and advance in their career, which in turn can benefit all society.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
38Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay New fathers should get a paid vacation from work when they have a baby v. 2

Essay
  American English
3 paragraphs
309 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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