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Do you agree or disagree with the following statement New fathers should get a paid vacation from work when they have a baby v.1

New fathers should get a paid vacation from work when they have a baby v. 1
The obesity has become a major concern in recent years, most youngsters are suffering with this problem, especially in wealthy nations. This essay will explain the causes and possible solutions to overcome this contentious issue. There are two main factors associated with it; however, the most important one is a lack of exercise. The growing popularity of video games has reduced physical activities among young children and they spend most of their time to play computer games. For example, A recent survey by the United States demonstrated that 75% of Australian children preferred video games instead of playing with friends in the park. Moreover, junk food is replacing home- made meal. Nowadays, both parents are working and they do not have enough to cook food at home, so they give a pocket money to their offsprings. In most cases of, America this money is spent by children on processed items instead of buying health dishes. Thus, lack of physical activity and ready-made meal lead to the obesity disease. With regards to solutions, both parents and government can play an important role to solve this problem. Firstly, parent should not only teach the importance of fresh fruits and vegetables, but also provide them a fresh and home- cooked meal. Secondly, government can restrict sales of junk foodstuff and soft drinks at school cafeteria. They should allow to keep only fruits at school canteen instead of junk meal. These two steps can assist to mitigate this issue at a greater extent. In conclusion, increasing obesity disease among youngsters is an extremely serious issue. If it is not taken seriously, it may have detrimental consequences for future generations also, so parents and government authorities can overcome this problem by teaching the benefits of healthy food and restricting sales of unhealthy food at school.
The obesity has become a major concern in recent years, most youngsters are suffering with this problem,
especially
in wealthy nations. This essay will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
the causes and possible solutions to overcome this contentious issue.

There are two main factors associated with it;
however
, the most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
one is a lack of exercise. The growing popularity of video games has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
physical activities among young
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
children and
they spend most of their time to play computer games.
For example
, A recent survey by the United States demonstrated that 75% of Australian children preferred video games
instead
of playing with friends in the park.
Moreover
, junk
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
is replacing home- made
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
meal
. Nowadays, both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
working and
they do not have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
to cook
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
at home,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they give
Uncountable nouns are usually not used with an indefinite article. Use simply "pocket money".
a pocket money
to their
Possible spelling mistake. Did you mean "offspring", the plural form of the noun 'offspring'?
offsprings
.
In most cases
of, America this money
is spent
by children on processed items
instead
of buying health dishes.
Thus
, lack of physical activity and ready-made
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
meal
lead to the obesity disease.

Use "in regard to", "with regard to", or more simply "regarding".
With regards to
solutions, both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
can play an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
role to solve this problem.
Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parent
should not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
teach the importance of fresh fruits and vegetables,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
provide them a fresh and home- cooked
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
meal
.
Secondly
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
can restrict sales of junk foodstuff and soft drinks at school cafeteria. They should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
fruits at school canteen
instead
of junk
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
meal
. These two steps can assist to mitigate this issue at a greater extent.

In conclusion
, increasing obesity disease among youngsters is an
extremely
serious issue. If it is not taken
seriously
, it may have detrimental consequences for future generations
also
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
authorities can overcome this problem by teaching the benefits of healthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
and restricting sales of unhealthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
at school.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
Learning another language is not only learning different words for the same things, but learning another way to think about things.
Flora Lewis

IELTS essay New fathers should get a paid vacation from work when they have a baby v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
300 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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