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Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? People are spending too much time on personal enjoyment-doing things they do to do-doing than doing things they should do. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer. v.211

People are spending too much time on personal enjoyment-doing things they do to do-doing than doing things they should do. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer. v. 211
The discussion whether young adults ought to choose advancing their education by attending universities or serving their countries by working raises a thorny question. While there are some opponents of doing jobs as builders or car mechanics, I would argue that it had better to deem getting higher education. According to some people, the option to get involved in jobs might be beneficial for a range of reasons. To begin with, people are likely to get profits at their early ages. As they start earning money, they could possibly be able to cover the basic needs. Not only the youngsters can take advantage of this salary, but also parents could stop worrying about the children's payments. Furthermore, people are more likely to get an experience which might not be learnt from textbooks. Since education places tend to concentrate on theoretical lessons, individuals are on the verge of being experienced just by participating in classes. However, others, including me, consider that the role of the educational background is irreplaceable. The vital point is that the countries might not be well-served without professional knowledge which is given by universities. Uneducated doctors can be appropriate samples of it as the population may not be contributed by them. To be more clear, doctors can not do their jobs professionally until having enough knowledge. Moreover, some people might not be able to find jobs easily as employees with higher education levels are usually prioritized. Thus, there is an ongoing competition in the companies due to the limited vacancies. Consequently, higher educated individuals cannot be replaced by inexperienced working class. In conclusion, while some argue that the best way to serve the country is working instead of getting education, I would claim educational background can never be outweighed.
The discussion whether young adults ought to choose advancing their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
by attending universities or serving their countries by working raises a thorny question. While there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
opponents of doing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
as builders or car mechanics, I would argue that it had better to deem getting higher education.

According to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, the option to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
involved in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
be beneficial for a range of reasons. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are likely to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
profits at their early ages. As they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
earning money, they could
possibly
be able to cover the basic needs. Not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
the youngsters can take advantage of this salary,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
parents could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stop
worrying about the children's payments.
Furthermore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are more likely to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
an experience which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
not be
Possible spelling mistake. 'learnt' is British English.
learnt
from textbooks. Since
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
places tend to concentrate on theoretical lessons, individuals are on the verge of
being experienced
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
by participating in classes.

However
, others, including me, consider that the role of the educational background is irreplaceable. The vital point is that the countries
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
not be well-served without professional knowledge which is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
by universities. Uneducated doctors can be appropriate samples of it as the population may not
be contributed
by them. To be more
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
, doctors can not do their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
professionally
until having
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
knowledge.
Moreover
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
not be able to find
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
easily
as employees with higher
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
levels are
usually
prioritized.
Thus
, there is an ongoing competition in the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
due to the limited vacancies.
Consequently
, higher educated individuals cannot
be replaced
by inexperienced working
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
.

In conclusion
, while
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
argue that the best way to serve the country is working
instead
of getting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
, I would claim educational background can never
be outweighed
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
Learn a language, and you’ll avoid a war.
Arab Proverb

IELTS essay People are spending too much time on personal enjoyment-doing things they do to do-doing than doing things they should do. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer. v. 211

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
292 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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