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you agree or disagree with the following statement? For the successful development of a country, it is more important for a government to spend money on the education of very young children (five to ten years old) than to spend money on universities. Use v.3

you agree or disagree with the following statement? For the successful development of a country, it is more important for a government to spend money on the education of very young children (five to ten years old) than to spend money on universities. Use v. 3
Nowadays, newly invented festivals like Singal Day are becoming more and more popular. Some people proclaim that these occasions only aim to business profit, some others are confident that they are useful for Relaxation and colourful our lives. People, who advocate that the new festivals are designed only for inducing people to consume, have their sound reasons. The main reason is that these occasions have no cultural background and moral education. In addition, the only way of expanding festivals' influence is commercial promotion, which leads to blind consumption and high interests. For example, the customs of the Valentine's day are sending flowers and giving presents to the lovers. Therefore, people are educated that your valentine does not love you anymore if your lover do not buy flowers or presents for you on Valentine's day. As a result, this festival creates both high interests for the flower industry and so on and plenty wastes. However, to some people's mind, it is useful to inherit these up-to-date festivals. Above all, although the purpose of creating these occasions is commercial interests, the most fashionable of them shows their meaning of existence. Some young people suggest that these occasions give them another experience and feeling which could relax themselves. Taking the Singal Day as an example, a large number of people say that they can release their pressure though shopping and buying bargain. Moreover, with the trend of new festivals socialization, the chances of making friends and finding its own network have become more and more, which can make lives more colourful. To sum up, we cannot deny that both sides are well-grounded. In my opinion, occasions like Valentine's day has their own status and we cannot deny it altogether, although they are commercial occasions.
Nowadays,
newly
invented
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
festivals
like
Possible spelling mistake found.
Singal
Day are becoming more and more popular.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
proclaim that these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
occasions
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
aim to business profit,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
others are confident that they are useful for

Relaxation and
Possible spelling mistake. 'colourful' is British English.
colourful
our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.

This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
, who advocate that the new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
festivals
are designed
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
for inducing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to consume, have their sound reasons. The main reason is that these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
occasions
have no cultural background and moral education.
In addition
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
way of expanding festivals' influence is commercial promotion, which leads to blind consumption and high interests.
For example
, the customs of the
Capitalize holidays.
Valentine's day
are sending flowers and giving presents to the lovers.
Therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are educated
that your valentine does not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
you anymore if your lover do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
flowers or presents for you on
Capitalize holidays.
Valentine's day
.
As a result
, this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
festival
creates both high
The usual collocation for "interests" is "in" not "for". Did you mean "interests in"?
interests for
the flower industry and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
plenty
wastes.

However
, to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's mind, it is useful to inherit these up-to-date
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
festivals
.
Above all
, although the purpose of creating these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
occasions
is commercial interests, the most fashionable of them
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
their meaning of existence.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
suggest that these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
occasions
give them another experience and feeling which could relax themselves. Taking the
Possible spelling mistake found.
Singal
Day as an example,
Specify a number, remove phrase, or simply use "many" or "numerous"
a large number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
say that they can release their pressure though shopping and buying bargain.
Moreover
, with the trend of new
Possible typo: apostrophe is missing. Did you mean "festivals'" or "festival's"?
festivals
socialization, the chances of making friends and finding its
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
network have become more and more, which can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
more
Possible spelling mistake. 'colourful' is British English.
colourful
.

To sum up, we cannot deny that both sides are well-grounded. In my opinion,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
occasions
like
Capitalize holidays.
Valentine's day
has their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
status and
we cannot deny it altogether, although they are commercial
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
occasions
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
To have another language is to possess a second soul.
Charlemagne

IELTS essay you agree or disagree with the following statement? For the successful development of a country, it is more important for a government to spend money on the education of very young children (five to ten years old) than to spend money on universities. Use v. 3

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
291 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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