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Do you agree or disagree with the following statement All students should be required to study art and music in secondary school Use specific reasons to support your answer v.2

All students should be required to study art and music in secondary school Use specific reasons to support your answer v. 2
Nowadays, there are many subjects that students have to study in secondary school. Some people think that secondary school should require their students to study art and music, but some school thinks study those subjects are the wasted time. I, however, think that art and music need to be learned in the school because it helps students to express their feelings, to be more creative and feel relax. Firstly, the students can express their feelings through painting and music. For example, like many other composers and singers, Taylor swift is a talent singer in America, she created may famous songs. Her songs always show other people about her feeling when she wrote that song. Therefore, people can speak out their emotion better and easier. Secondly, it may make students be more creative in many other subjects that help students a lot to have a good performance at school. Through many excellent types of research, the scientists demonstrate that when a child play an instrument, that kid can think better, easily to remember the lessons and do well in classes. They not only gain more confident and be more active in class but also they can find more interesting in music. Finally, after the hard classes, students can relax when they attend the art class or the music class. At those classes, they do not have to think much or do a lot of things like in the math classes, history class. The teachers in art and music may let their student draw a picture, sing a song or the students just need to listen to what the teacher tells them. It is much easier than other classes, thus, they can reduce their stress about other subjects. In conclusion, I believe that art and music are great subjects which let students proclaim their emotion, become more creative and to relax after some tough classes. Although, many people think students should focus on the main subjects, if students spent a little time for it, it may make their scores or their performance in class become better than usual.
Nowadays, there are
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many
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subjects
that
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students
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
study in secondary
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school
.
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Some
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people
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think
that secondary
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school
should require their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to study
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
and
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music
,
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but
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
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thinks
study those
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subjects
are the wasted time. I,
however
,
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think
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
need to
be learned
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to express their feelings, to be more creative and feel relax.

Firstly
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
can express their feelings through painting and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
.
For example
, like
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
composers and singers,
If the term is a proper noun, use initial capitals.
Taylor swift
is a talent singer in America, she created may
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
songs. Her songs always
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
about her feeling when she wrote that song.
Therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can speak out their emotion better and easier.

Secondly
, it may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
be more creative in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
a lot to have a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
performance at
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school
. Through
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
excellent types of research, the scientists demonstrate that when a child
Possible agreement error - use third-person verb forms for singular and mass nouns: "plays".
play
an instrument, that kid can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
think
better,
easily
to remember the lessons and do well in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
classes
. They not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
gain more confident and be more active in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
they can find more interesting in music.

Finally
, after the
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hard
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classes
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
can relax when they attend the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
or the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
. At those
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classes
, they do not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
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think
much or do
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a lot of
things like in the math
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classes
, history
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
. The teachers in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
draw a picture, sing a song or the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
need to listen to what the teacher
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
tells
them. It is much easier than
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other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
classes
,
thus
, they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
about
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
subjects.

In conclusion
, I believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
are great
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
proclaim their emotion, become more creative and to relax after
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
tough
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
classes
. Although,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
think
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
should focus on the main
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
, if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
spent a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
time for it, it may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
their scores or their performance in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
become better than usual.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
54Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay All students should be required to study art and music in secondary school Use specific reasons to support your answer v. 2

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
346 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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