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Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Most businesspeople are motivated only by the desire for more money v.324

Most businesspeople are motivated only by the desire for more money v. 324
Nations worldwide are dealing with the increasing issue of obesity, which is a cause for concern of all age groups. One main cause of this issue is the over-consumption of fast food and convenience foods. A possible solution would be a government tax on these foods with lower costs for fresh produce. One reason that people are becoming overweight these days is that they are eating more junk substances and convenience food rather than cooking healthy meals at home. This is because many people tend to lead a busy life so it is easier to just buy ready meals or get a take away rather than cook at home. For instance, a 2015 report by the UK government found that sales of these types of foods have risen considerably in the past 20 years. If the issue is not addressed soon there will most likely be an epidemic of obesity-related illnesses such as diabetes in the near future. To tackle this matter, governments need to increase the tax on high sugar or unhealthy foods, especially those than contain trans fats. This would mean that consumers would think twice about the meals they consume, so in the long run, this could lead them to losing weight and leading a much healthier life. To illustrate this, in 2014, Norway implemented tough regulations and higher taxes on food containing high levels of sodium and saturated fats. They also fixed a lower price for organic vegetables to attract more consumers of fresh produce in supermarkets. This had a dramatic effect on reducing the consumption of junk foods. In conclusion, being overweight is an increasing matter for children an adults globally because of the consumption of fast foods and convenience foods. Authorities need to look at taxing these foods and make healthier options more available.
Nations worldwide are dealing with the increasing issue of obesity, which is a cause for concern of all age groups. One main cause of this issue is the over-consumption of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
and convenience
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
. A possible solution would be a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
tax on these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
with lower costs for fresh produce.

One reason that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are becoming overweight these days is that they are eating more junk substances and convenience
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
rather
than cooking healthy meals at home. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
tend to lead a busy life
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
it is easier to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
ready meals or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a
The noun "takeaway" is spelled as one word.
take away
rather
than cook at home.
For instance
, a 2015 report by the UK
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
found that sales of these types of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
have risen
considerably
in the past 20 years. If the issue is not addressed
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
soon
there will most likely be an epidemic of obesity-related illnesses such as diabetes in the near future.

To tackle this matter,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
need to increase the tax on high sugar or unhealthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
,
especially
those than contain trans fats. This would mean that consumers would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
twice about the meals they consume,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
in the long run, this could lead them to losing weight and leading a much healthier life. To illustrate this, in 2014, Norway implemented tough regulations and higher taxes on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
containing high levels of sodium and saturated fats. They
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fixed
a lower price for organic vegetables to attract more consumers of fresh produce in supermarkets. This had a dramatic effect on reducing the consumption of junk foods.

In conclusion
, being overweight is an increasing matter for children
Don't use indefinite articles with plural words. Did you mean "an adult" or simply "adults"?
an adults
globally
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the consumption of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
and convenience
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
. Authorities need to look at taxing these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
healthier options more available.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Most businesspeople are motivated only by the desire for more money v. 324

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
300 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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