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Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Young people devote less time to helping their communities nowadays than were they in past. v.780

Young people devote less time to helping their communities nowadays than were they in past. v. 780
It is generally accepted that each person should pay due attention to the community where they live, since all of us are /is/ responsible for its proper development. Meanwhile, the changing world seems to create obstacles in that respect, since the life itself limits our involvement in community issues. This is especially true in case of young people, who, I am prone to believe, do not spend sufficient time in order to help their communities. I feel this way for several reasons, which I will explore in the following essay. To begin with, we, the generation of young people, have to pay much more attention to our education nowadays than it was in the past. This is explained by the fact that the present world is much more competitive than it was, and, consequently, we have to pass through tough competition to succeed in our lives. On the other hand, good education gives more chances to win that contest. My own experience is a compelling example of this. Thus, when I received my master' s degree and tried to find a job, I soon realized that in order to succeed I need to continue my education, as there were many other potential employees with the same level of knowledge. As a result, I had to study for more three years, and, of course, this limited my involvement in the community life. Also, at present it is harder to have a career growth, since there are many hard working and committed individuals around. That is why, in order to receive a better job we should work day and night, paying minimum attention to our other duties. For instance, in my case, I had to work for 9 years all day long in order to have a promotion from the researcher position to the position of the senior researcher. It is hard to imagine that I would have succeeded, if I paid more attention to the local community issues. To sum up briefly, it is a fact that the changes in life make us more focused on our professional and career issues. We have little time to give to our communities because we have to study more, and because our work takes a lot of time from us.
It is
generally
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
accepted
that each person should pay due
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
attention
to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
where they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
, since all of us are /is/ responsible for its proper development. Meanwhile, the changing world seems to create obstacles in that respect, since the life itself limits our involvement in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
issues. This is
especially
true in case of young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
, who, I am prone to believe, do not spend sufficient time in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
order
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
communities
. I feel this way for several reasons, which I will explore in the following essay.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, we, the generation of young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
pay much more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
attention
to our education nowadays than it was in the past. This is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explained
by the fact that the present world is much more competitive than it was, and,
consequently
, we
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
pass through tough competition to succeed in our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.
On the other hand
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
education gives more chances to win that contest. My
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
experience is a compelling example of this.
Thus
, when I received my
Possible spelling mistake found.
master&
#039; s degree and tried to find a job, I
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
soon
realized that in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
order
to succeed I need to continue my education, as there were
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
other potential employees with the same level of knowledge.
As a result
, I had to study for more three years, and,
of course
, this limited my involvement in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
life.

Also
, at present it is harder to have a career growth, since there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This expression is normally spelled as one or with hyphen.
hard working
and committed individuals around.
That is
why, in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
order
to receive a better job we should work day and night, paying minimum
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
attention
to our other duties.
For instance
, in my case, I had to work for 9 years all day long in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
order
to have a promotion from the researcher position to the position of the senior researcher. It is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to imagine that I would have succeeded, if I paid more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
attention
to the local
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
issues.

To sum up
briefly
, it is a fact that the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
in life
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
us more focused on our professional and career issues. We have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
time to give to our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
communities
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
we
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
study more, and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
our work takes
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
time from us.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
14Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
A new language is a new life.
Persian Proverb

IELTS essay Young people devote less time to helping their communities nowadays than were they in past. v. 780

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
376 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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