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Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Young people devote less time to helping their communities nowadays than were they in past. v.323

Young people devote less time to helping their communities nowadays than were they in past. v. 323
It is argued whether parents and teachers should enforce strict control on children’s behaviour or just let them behave freely. In my opinion, neither total freedom nor absolute control will benefit children; rather parents should monitor their conduct properly. On the one hand, too much control on children’s behaviour can affect the formation and development of some valuable abilities. Primarily, it will hurt the problem solving skill of children as this ability is cultivated and developed through trial and error. If parents and teachers put too much control on children, they will have no solutions for the problems they might face in future. It is more likely for them to consult their teachers and parents for suitable and effective solutions, which is the undesirable result of over dependence on others. Besides, children whose behaviours are highly controlled by parents and teachers may be restricted in imagination and creativity, which are essential to their academic performance and also the key to gain success in complicated tasks in the workplace in the future. However, it is not to say that children’s behaviour should not be monitored / supervised at all. Having no control on children’s behaviour can lead to detrimental results. My primary concern is that children may fail to respect and obey laws and regulations and they may simply behave in the way they like. For example, children may misbehave by engaging in activities such as habitual lying or littering just to entertain themselves without realizing that they have already violated some regulations. On the contrary, if the parents and teachers discipline their children whenever they go wrong, they are more likely to become law-abiding adults or even contributing members of their community. In conclusion, I believe that both parents and teachers have an obligation to discipline, children’s behaviours and educate them in proper ways, rather than enforcing strict control or permitting absolute freedom.
It
is argued
whether
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teachers
should enforce strict
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
control
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
or
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
them behave
freely
. In my opinion, neither total freedom nor absolute
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
control
will benefit
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
;
rather
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should monitor their conduct
properly
.

On the one hand, too much
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
control
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
can affect the formation and development of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
valuable abilities.
Primarily
, it will hurt the problem solving
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
as this ability
is cultivated
and developed through trial and error. If
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teachers
put too much
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
control
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, they will have no solutions for the problems they might face
Did you mean: "in the future"?
in future
. It is more likely for them to consult their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teachers
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
for suitable and effective solutions, which is the undesirable result of over dependence on others.
Besides
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
whose
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviours' is British English.
behaviours
are
highly
controlled by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teachers
may
be restricted
in imagination and creativity, which are essential to their academic performance and
also
the key to gain success in complicated tasks in the workplace in the future.

However
, it is not to say that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
should not
be monitored
/ supervised at all. Having no
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
control
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
can lead to detrimental results. My primary concern is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
may fail to respect and obey laws and
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
regulations and
they may
simply
behave in the way they like.
For example
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
may misbehave by engaging in activities such as habitual lying or littering
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
to entertain themselves without realizing that they have already violated
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
regulations.
On the contrary
, if the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teachers
discipline their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
whenever they go
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
, they are more likely to become law-abiding adults or even contributing members of their community.

In conclusion
, I believe that both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teachers
have an obligation to discipline,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviours' is British English.
behaviours
and educate them in proper ways,
rather
than enforcing strict
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
control
or permitting absolute freedom.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Young people devote less time to helping their communities nowadays than were they in past. v. 323

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
313 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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