Do you want to improve your writing? Try our new evaluation service and get detailed feedback.
Check Your Text it's free

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Young people should try several different jobs before they take a long term career. v.308

Young people should try several different jobs before they take a long term career. v. 308
Many say that teaching communal work must be made mandatory during the secondary education level. I completely agree with this argument as I believe, charity is a trait that is usually not taught at a young age by our guardians and secondly, it will additionally, enable students to find employment much easily. Parents always tend to provide us absolutely the best lifestyle that they can afford as a result, sometimes children fail to see the other side human life. In other words, parents give all the necessities plus everything that their young would want for example; best education, shoes, computers and vehicles for transportation, thus when a teenager gets comfortable and get used to a luxury lifestyle, they will not see the other side of the same coin which is, hardness and difficulties of human life. Therefore, by integrating charity work into the school education system and making it mandatory would not only, enable the children to access a much softer part of within themselves that they were not aware of but also, empathize with others and learn to give back to mankind with expecting nothing in return. Humanitarian missions can enable teenagers to secure their first job. To put it differently, it is a well-known fact that finding the first job is one of the most difficult and exhausting tasks for a juvenile. When a candidate has extensive amount of charitable work under their belt that resume would stand out among others, hence there is a high chance of obtaining the desired job. For an example; many companies nowadays search for candidates that can contribute to company’s own Corporate Social Responsibility (CSR) tasks. In conclusion, by making charity work integrated into the school's framework undoubtedly will enable the young to learn new skills and have access to another part of themselves. Furthermore, it will consequently give them an edge over other candidates to grab and secure a profession.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
say that teaching communal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be made
mandatory during the secondary education level. I completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this argument as I believe, charity is a trait
that is
usually
not taught at a young age by our guardians and
secondly
, it will
additionally
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
enable
students to find employment much
easily
.

Parents always tend to provide us
absolutely
the best lifestyle that they can afford
as a result
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
children fail to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
side human life. In
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
words, parents give all the necessities plus everything that their young would want
for example
A determiner is probably missing here: "; the best".
; best
education, shoes, computers and vehicles for transportation,
thus
when a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenager
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
gets
comfortable and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to a luxury lifestyle, they will not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
side of the same coin which is, hardness and difficulties of human life.
Therefore
, by integrating charity
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
into the school education system and making it mandatory would not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
enable
the children to access a much softer part of within themselves that they were not aware of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
, empathize with others and learn to give back to mankind with expecting nothing in return.

Humanitarian missions can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
enable
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
to secure their
first
job. To put it
differently
,
it is a well-known fact that
finding the
first
job is one of the most difficult and exhausting tasks for a juvenile. When a candidate has extensive amount of charitable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
under their belt that resume would stand out among others,
hence
there is a high chance of obtaining the desired job. For an example;
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
nowadays search for candidates that can contribute to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
’s
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
Corporate Social Responsibility (CSR) tasks.

In conclusion
, by making charity
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
integrated into the school's framework
undoubtedly
will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
enable
the young to learn new
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and have access to another part of themselves.
Furthermore
, it will
consequently
give them an edge over
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
candidates to grab and secure a profession.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Young people should try several different jobs before they take a long term career. v. 308

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
319 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
Similar posts


Recent posts