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Hi, Please correct my essay, many thanksDo you agree or disagree with the following statement? Playing computer games is a waste of time. Children should not be allowed to play them. v.1

Hi, Please correct my essay, many thanks Playing computer games is a waste of time. Children should not be allowed to play them. v. 1
Although many people believe that playing computer game is harmful for children, I do strongly disagree with this belief. In my opinion playing computer games could be beneficial for children if their parents be aware enough about it and systematically control their children in order to prevent harmful effects. Children may develop their computer skills through playing computer game; also parents might be able to consider it as a prize for their children in order to appreciate them. In addition I think that if parents consider it harmful and do not let their child to play these kinds of games; children will have more problems, since all their friends may do it, and children would become jealous of their friends. Doubtless, playing computer games is not always a waste of time. Children may develop their skills unconsciously while doing these games, and this is really helpful for their future. An example from my own life may shed some light on this issue, I remember the time when I was ten years old; I was addicted to play computer games day and night. Actually at that time my parents did not prevent me doing that; now I think it was a turning point in my life. After that period, I started learning different computer programs which helped me a lot in a way that I became specialist in that area. It is difficult to believe that parents these days are under duress to satisfy their children’s expectations, but it is true. Actually they have to reward their kids in different kinds of situation. Letting children playing computer games is very helpful in these situation. Just imagine your kid do not do his homework on time, you may ask him to do his best in order to be considered computer games. Since all children are interested in them, they strongly react to the decision you have made and may do their homework as soon as possible. The other side of the coin is however, they community which children communicate and socialize with. You may not be able to prevent your kid’s tendency to imitate their friends. It is somehow natural in children; they try a lot to be similar to their friends. Every day your kid may hear about various kinds of computer games; in this situation it not useful to avoid children and insist on the idea that these games are a waste of time, but it seems that the best solution is to let them free at least for a short period of time. In this way they have the chance to experience their world much better. To put it in a nut shell, one should note that playing computer games is not always a waste of time as long as parents organize their children in different situations. Sometimes they have the chance to increase their kid’s knowledge, or to boost their courage through these games. Moreover, parents should think about some other factors which are more important than time. Maybe kids make better friends or communicate much better when they have the opportunity to be similar to their friends.
Although
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
computer game is harmful for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, I do
strongly
disagree with this belief. In my opinion
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
could be beneficial for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
if their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
be aware
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
about it and
systematically
control their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
harmful effects.

Children may develop their computer
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
through
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
computer game;
also
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
might be able to consider it as a prize for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in order to appreciate them. In
The comma is probably missing here: "addition, I".
addition I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
consider it harmful and do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
their child to play these kinds of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
;
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
will have more problems, since all their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
may do it, and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
would become jealous of their friends.

Doubtless,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
is not always a waste of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
may develop their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
unconsciously
while doing these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
, and this is
really
helpful for their future. An example from my
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
life may shed
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
light on this issue, I remember the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
when I was ten years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
; I
was addicted
to play computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
day and night. Actually at that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
did not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
me doing that;
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
it was a turning point in my life. After that period, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
learning
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
computer programs which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helped
me a lot in a way that I became specialist in that area.

It is difficult to believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
these days are under duress to satisfy their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
expectations,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it is true. Actually they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
reward their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
kinds of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
situation
. Letting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
helpful in these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
situation
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Just
imagine your
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kid
do not do his homework on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
, you may ask him to do his best in order to
be considered
computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
. Since all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are interested
in them, they
strongly
react to the decision you have made and may do their homework as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
soon
as possible.

The other side of the coin is
however
, they community which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
communicate and socialize with. You may not be able to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
your
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kid’s
tendency to imitate their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
. It is somehow natural in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
; they try a lot to be similar to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
. Every day your
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kid
may hear about various kinds of computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
; in this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
situation
Did you mean "is" or "it is"?
it
not useful to avoid
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
and insist on the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
that these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
are a waste of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it seems that the best solution is to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
them free at least for a short period of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
. In this way they have the chance to experience their world much better.

To put it in a nut shell, one should note that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
is not always a waste of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
as long as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
organize their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
situations
.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Sometimes
they have the chance to increase their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kid’s
knowledge, or to boost their courage through these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
.
Moreover
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
about
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
other factors which are more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
. Maybe
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
better
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
or communicate much better when they have the opportunity to be similar to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
.
4Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
61Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay Hi, Please correct my essay, many thanks Playing computer games is a waste of time. Children should not be allowed to play them. v. 1

Essay
  American English
6 paragraphs
520 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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