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Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? People today put too much emphasis on personal appearance and fashion. v.572

People today put too much emphasis on personal appearance and fashion. v. 572
It is easier than before that people know about fashion and buy cloths. Some people may state that emphasis on personal appearance and fashion is necessary while others argue that people should put more attention on their characteristics like interests or specialty. In my opinion, I agree with the statement that people put too much emphasis on personal appearance and fashion for several reasons. On the other hand, we have other things more important than looks. First of all, people spend too much money on fashion. For example, teenagers using their credit card to buy lots of cloths which may bring overdraft for them. Actually, the money they spend and the card they use are come from their parents. The problems are not only happened on the youngers but also the workers. To illustrate, one of my neighbors, Amy, who always over spend her salaries on popular cosmetics. The money she spends much more, the salaries she has to earn more. As a result, she doesn’t deposit any money in her account as an emergency use. Second, personal appearance and fashion is the waste of resources. To be specific, there are many textile factories in Africa. However, the employees who work there did not earn enough money and the demand of plastic and textile increase strongly which make people buying clothes too easy and causing the waste of resources. In the end, it will be a vicious circle in the fashion industry. Third, personal characteristics are more important than appearance. To be specific, even cloths and shoes can decorate people’s looks, but cannot decide their behavior. In addition, if we spend time on our interests and specialty, we can find our value in the lives. My sister who is confuse about her personality but after study aboard, she knows what can she do and she becomes a confident person after she come back from foreign country. Definitely, some people may state that personal appearance and fashion can attract more friends and good identify. Nevertheless, outfits are changeable but inside character is a more crucial factor. To conclude, I agree with the statement that people today put too much emphasis on personal appearance and fashion for these reasons.
It is easier than
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
know about
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fashion
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cloths
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
may state that emphasis on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
appearance
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fashion
is necessary while others argue that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should put more attention on their characteristics like interests or specialty. In my opinion, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the statement that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
put too
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
much
emphasis on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
appearance
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fashion
for several reasons.
On the other hand
, we have other things more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
than looks.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
too
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
much
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fashion
.
For example
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
using their credit card to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
lots of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cloths
which may bring overdraft for them. Actually, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
and the card they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
from their parents. The problems are not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
happened on the
Possible spelling mistake found.
youngers
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
the workers. To illustrate, one of my neighbors, Amy, who always over
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
her salaries on popular cosmetics. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
she
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spends
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
much
more, the salaries she
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
earn more.
As a result
, she doesn’t deposit any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
in her account as an emergency
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
.

Second,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
appearance
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fashion
is the waste of resources. To be specific, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
textile factories in Africa.
However
, the employees who work there did not earn
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
and the demand of plastic and textile increase
strongly
which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
buying
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
clothes
too easy and causing the waste of resources. In the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
, it will be a vicious circle in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fashion
industry.

Third,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
characteristics are more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
appearance
. To be specific, even
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cloths
and shoes can decorate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
looks,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
cannot decide their behavior.
In addition
, if we
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
time on our interests and specialty, we can find our value in the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
. My sister who is
Consider using a past participle here: "confused".
confuse
about her personality
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
after study aboard, she knows what can she
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
do and
she becomes a confident person after she
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
back from foreign country.

Definitely,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
may state that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
appearance
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fashion
can attract more friends and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
identify.
Nevertheless
, outfits are changeable
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
inside character is a more crucial factor.
To conclude
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the statement that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
put too
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
much
emphasis on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
appearance
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fashion
for these reasons.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
47Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay People today put too much emphasis on personal appearance and fashion. v. 572

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
367 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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