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Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? It is just as important for older people to study and learn new things as v.569

It is just as important for older people to study and learn new things as v. 569
Studying in essential to everyone. Also, learning new things benefits all of us. Some people think that it is not important for older people to study and learn new things, while others do not. I completely believe that the learning and studying process are not related to age and older people will benefit a lot if they engage in any of them I feel this way for two reasons which I will explore in the following essay. First of all, studying and learning new things will keep the brain of older people active for longer periods. This is because people will be active and thinking which, in turns, will keep their brains working rather than deteriorating with age. My grandfather is a good example of this reality. He retired a long time ago, but when anyone sees him, he or she will notice how smart he is. He has the ability to engage in any discussion and interact effectively. I believe that this is because he tried to learn new things after his retirement. Rather than staying and watch television or listen to the radio, he decided to learn how to plant his garden, since he was depending on the gardener. One day, my mother told me that he enrolled in a gardening class. He started to read about different types of soil and how to fertilize them with good nutrients to grow healthy plants and trees. Nowadays, he has a beautiful garden with a lot of colorful flowers and also, diversity of trees like palm, lemon and orange. I always like to eat from his trees. This demonstrates how learning new things will help the seniors to be interactive and think better. Moreover, the learning and studying processes will provide seniors with more enjoyable lives. Most of the older people are living alone, even if their sons and daughters are living in the same house. Most of the young adults are busy with their works or families, if they are married. Thus, older people will have a lot of free time, if they are not using it in doing anything, they will feel boring and will not be able to enjoy their lives and this, in turns, makes them stressful. Take my uncle as an example. He retired five years ago, unlike my grandfather, he decided to stay home and listen to the radio and watch television. He usually complains that he is boring and has nothing to do, since he is living alone as his wife passed away two years ago and his only son is living in another city. His life seems miserable to me, I suggest him to try to read or learn anything that might help him has more fun rather than sitting by his own. All in all, I believe that it is important for older people to study and learn new things. This is because their mind will be active for a longer time and because their lives will be more enjoyable.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Studying
in essential to everyone.
Also
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learning
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
things benefits all of us.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that it is not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to study and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
things, while others do not. I completely believe that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learning
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studying
process are not related to age and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will benefit a lot if they engage in any of them I feel this way for two reasons which I will explore in the following essay.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studying
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learning
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
things will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
the brain of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
active for longer periods. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will be active and thinking which, in turns, will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
their brains working
rather
than deteriorating with age. My grandfather is a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
example of this reality. He retired a long time ago,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
when anyone
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sees
him, he or she will notice how smart he is. He has the ability to engage in any discussion and interact
effectively
. I believe that this is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
he tried to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
things after his retirement.
Rather
than staying and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
television or listen to the radio, he decided to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
how to plant his garden, since he
The verb 'depending' is a stative verb and sometimes the progressive form is not correct. Try a simple form instead.
was depending
on the gardener. One day, my mother
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
told
me that he enrolled in a gardening
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
. He
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
to read about
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
types of soil and how to fertilize them with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
nutrients to grow healthy plants and trees. Nowadays, he has a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
beautiful
garden with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
colorful flowers and
also
, diversity of trees like palm, lemon and orange. I always like to eat from his trees. This demonstrates how
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learning
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
things will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
the seniors to be interactive and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
better.

Moreover
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learning
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studying
processes will provide seniors with more enjoyable
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
. Most of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
living
alone, even if their sons and daughters are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
living
in the same
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
. Most of the young adults are busy with their works or families, if they
are married
.
Thus
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
free time, if they are not using it in doing anything, they will feel boring and will not be able to enjoy their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
and this, in turns,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
them stressful. Take my uncle as an example. He retired five years ago, unlike my grandfather, he decided to stay home and listen to the radio and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
television. He
usually
complains that he is boring and has nothing to do, since he is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
living
alone as his wife passed away two years ago and his
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
son is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
living
in another city. His life seems miserable to me, I suggest him to try to read or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
anything that might
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
him has more fun
rather
than sitting by his
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
.

All in all, I believe that it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to study and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
things. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
their mind will be active for a longer time and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
will be more enjoyable.
12Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
38Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay It is just as important for older people to study and learn new things as v. 569

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
499 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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