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Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Television and the Internet have destroyed communication among friends and family. v.5

Television and the Internet have destroyed communication among friends and family. v. 5
With the affect of television and the internet some people are getting stuck to them and hence spending so much less time with the family and friends. Firstly, nowadays television have numerous entertaining programs as the internet does. People are turning into more idolent because they do not really worry about how to spend their times by finding an activity that can be interesting, as it used to be more challenging in the past. Moreover, currently television channels provide such tremendous TV screen of amusing programs such as various soap operas, talk shows, reality shows and any others. Therefore people tend to spend their time by watching those channels instead of talking with their relatives by sharing their thoughts and problems. Then it could be gradual loss of relationship among relatives and friends. Secondly, being on-line on the internet could also affect to the connection among their friends and family members. It is because that people who spend that time by interacting with virtual people on social media will lose their communication skills, as a result, it leads them to indecent positions what they need to cope with issues in real life. Owing to their destroyed communication skills, they will not act like a real person of society and people will not take his voice as important as others. In conclusion, that individuals who spend much time in front of the television or by surfing on the TV could harm the relationship among relatives and friends. It is because they need to make healthy relationships.
With the affect of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
and the internet
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are getting stuck to them and
hence
spending
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
much less
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
with the family and friends.

Firstly
, nowadays
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
have numerous entertaining programs as the internet does.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
are turning into more
Possible spelling mistake found.
idolent
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they do not
really
worry about how to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
times
by finding an activity that can be interesting, as it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to be more challenging in the past.
Moreover
,
currently
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
channels provide such tremendous TV screen of amusing programs such as various soap operas, talk
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
, reality
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
and any others.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Therefore
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
tend to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
by watching those channels
instead
of talking with their relatives by sharing their thoughts and problems. Then it could be gradual loss of relationship among relatives and friends.

Secondly
, being on-line on the internet could
also
affect to the connection among their friends and family members. It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
by interacting with virtual
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
on social media will lose their communication
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
,
as a result
, it leads them to indecent positions what they need to cope with issues in real life. Owing to their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
destroyed
communication
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
, they will not act like a real person of society and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will not take his voice as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
as others.

In conclusion
, that individuals who
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
much
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
in front of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
or by surfing on the TV could harm the relationship among relatives and friends. It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they need to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
healthy relationships.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
19Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
A special kind of beauty exists which is born in language, of language, and for language.
Gaston Bachelard

IELTS essay Television and the Internet have destroyed communication among friends and family. v. 5

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
255 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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