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Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? When people spend a lot of time watching sports on television or following their favorite team, does it have negative effects on their lives? v.397

When people spend a lot of time watching sports on television or following their favorite team, does it have negative effects on their lives? v. 397
There are two common career directions: working for the same corporation until retirements and acquiring various experiences in different organisations. Both ways of occupation life have its own advantages and disadvantages. To begin with, constantly changing working units would lead to difficulty in climbing up the career ladder. In a big corporation, long working age and profound influence on the company development are essential factors demanded for job promotion. Temporary employees may have a great impact on the organisation profit by hard-working and active performance, but they cannot fulfil the requirement of long-term working time which only permanent employees satisfy. As a consequence, the person who follows various paths would take more time to achieve high career position such as a manager. On the other hand, those who have a diversity in working experiences of different organisations can acquire wide knowledge in various fields and flexibility. When a person moves from this corporation to another in a new field, he/ she should have the corresponding knowledge at a basic level to ultimately carry out his/ her new job. For example, a marketer who worked for a beauty brand has to study basics of food when working in a restaurant. Consequently, the marketer has broad knowledge of beauty and dishes also. In addition, the ones with unstable working path are more flexible as they have to adapt their new working environment, which requires good communication skills and brings them a diverse friends circle from different areas with specific characteristics. In conclusion, working for different organisations would not obtain career promotion, but give chances for acquisition of knowledge in diverse areas and flexibility. In my opinion, it is better to have experiences in different companies than being loyal to only one organisation because multitasking with an active spirit are two vital factors to achieve success in the fast growing rate of recent economic, multicultural society nowadays.
There are two common
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
directions:
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
for the same corporation until retirements and acquiring various experiences in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
different
Possible spelling mistake. 'organisations' is British English.
organisations
. Both ways of occupation life have its
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
advantages and disadvantages.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with,
constantly
changing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
units would lead to difficulty in climbing up the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
ladder. In a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
corporation, long
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
age and profound influence on the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
development are essential factors demanded for job promotion. Temporary employees may have a great impact on the
Possible spelling mistake. 'organisation' is British English.
organisation
profit by
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
-working and active performance,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they cannot fulfil the requirement of long-term
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
time which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
permanent employees satisfy. As a consequence, the person who follows various paths would take more time to achieve high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
position such as a manager.

On the other hand
, those who have a diversity in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
experiences of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
different
Possible spelling mistake. 'organisations' is British English.
organisations
can acquire wide
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
knowledge
in various fields and flexibility. When a person
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
moves
from this corporation to another in a new field, he/ she should have the corresponding
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
knowledge
at a basic level to
ultimately
carry out his/ her new job.
For example
, a marketer who worked for a beauty brand
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
study basics of food when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
in a restaurant.
Consequently
, the marketer has broad
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
knowledge
of beauty and dishes
also
.
In addition
, the ones with unstable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
path are more flexible as they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
adapt their new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
environment, which requires
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
communication
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and brings them a diverse friends circle from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
different
areas with specific characteristics.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
different
Possible spelling mistake. 'organisations' is British English.
organisations
would not obtain
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
promotion,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
give chances for acquisition of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
knowledge
in diverse areas and flexibility.
Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
In
my opinion, it is better to have experiences in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
different
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
than being loyal to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
one
Possible spelling mistake. 'organisation' is British English.
organisation
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
multitasking with an active spirit are two vital factors to achieve success in the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
growing rate of recent economic, multicultural society nowadays.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
Language comes first. It’s not that language grows out of consciousness, if you haven’t got language, you can’t be conscious.
Alan Moore

IELTS essay When people spend a lot of time watching sports on television or following their favorite team, does it have negative effects on their lives? v. 397

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
314 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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