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Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? It is important for children to learn to draw or paint. v.372

It is important for children to learn to draw or paint. v. 372
These days, every point when you turn on the television or flick through the pages of a newspaper, you often learn about the victims of crime. But what is the most effective method of dealing with the rising crime rate in our society? Some people believe that the best way to punish criminals is to sentence them to present in the penitentiary. I completely disagree with this idea and in this essay I will support my opinion with examples. Firstly, life in jail is far too comfortable for prisoners. For example, many inmates have access to luxuries such as televisions, computers and sports facilities and so on. In other words, spending turn behind bars is more like being in a holiday camp. If penitentiary is going to act as a deterrent, then I believe it needs to be considerably tougher. Another reason why I disagree with confinement as a punishment is that a large number of prisoners are not actually a danger to society. Take shoplifters as an example. They are often locked up in the same cells as murderers, rapists and violent criminals. I strongly believe that this is a serious waste of taxpayer's money. What is more, petty criminals may even learn how to commit more serious crimes when they are inside. On the other hand, there is an argument that lockup can help to rehabilitate offenders. Many inmates have the opportunity to study while they have a point. As a result, many never re-offend when they are released. In conclusion, although it is a common belief that jail is the best way to punish criminals, I believe it is too soft and that it is not necessary in the majority of cases. Personally, I think lockup should be the last option when all else has failed
These days, every point when you turn on the television or flick through the pages of a newspaper, you
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
learn about the victims of crime.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
what is the most effective method of dealing with the rising crime rate in our society?
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
that the best way to punish
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
criminals
is to sentence them to present in the penitentiary. I completely disagree with this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
and in this essay I will support my opinion with examples.

Firstly
, life in jail is far too comfortable for prisoners.
For example
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
inmates have access to luxuries such as televisions, computers and sports facilities and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on.
In other words
, spending turn behind bars is more like being in a holiday camp. If penitentiary is going to act as a deterrent, then I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
it needs to be
considerably
tougher.

Another reason why I disagree with confinement as a punishment is that
Specify a number, remove phrase, or simply use "many" or "numerous"
a large number of
prisoners are not actually a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
danger
to society. Take shoplifters as an example. They are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
locked up in the same cells as murderers, rapists and violent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
criminals
. I
strongly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
that this is a serious waste of taxpayer's money.
What is more
, petty
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
criminals
may even learn how to commit more serious crimes when they are inside.

On the other hand
, there is an argument that lockup can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to rehabilitate offenders.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
inmates have the opportunity to study while they have a point.
As a result
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
never re-offend when they
are released
.

In conclusion
, although it is a common belief that jail is the best way to punish
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
criminals
, I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
it is too soft and that it is not necessary in the majority of cases.
Personally
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
lockup should be the last option when all else has failed
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
To have another language is to possess a second soul.
Charlemagne

IELTS essay It is important for children to learn to draw or paint. v. 372

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
298 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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