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Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Young children should learnto draw or paint. Include details and examples to support your response. v.152

Young children should learnto draw or paint. Include details and examples to support your response. v. 152
Modern technology has been increased along with the new health problems. Many more people are getting suffered due to health problems caused by modern lifestyle which cannot be treated with modern medicine. I agree with this perception and I will explain my reasons in the following passage. Firstly, how much technology and medical sciences have been developed also still there are some diseases which cannot be prevented and treated by modern medicine. Therefore, people are getting suffered due to various health issues caused by modern lifestyle. Nowadays, every individual owning cars which makes them to travel happily to their workplace, but at the same time, this increases air pollution in the society. For example, latest research in a country shows that there is a vast increase in the sales of their company car's in last 2 yrs and also environmental research shows that there is a huge increase in the pollution. In these days, people totally avoided to have our ancestral tradition of having treatment for their problems. In olden days people used to have good food which results in good health. Also, they used many home remedies to cure their problem. People now should encourage themselves to get rewound to the olden traditional medicine. Indirectly, those ways will also help one to get treated with the problems even which cannot be treated with the modern science and technology. After having considered all the points that I have discussed above, we can recapitulate that we should accept our olden methods and traditional treatments. So that we can find an appropriate treatment and also medicine for new issues.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Modern
technology has
been increased
along with the new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are getting suffered due to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
caused by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
modern
lifestyle which cannot be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
treated
with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
modern
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
medicine
. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this perception and I will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
my reasons in the following passage.

Firstly
, how much technology and medical sciences have
been developed
also
still
there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
diseases which cannot be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevented
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
treated
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
modern
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
medicine
.
Therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are getting suffered due to various
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
issues caused by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
modern
lifestyle. Nowadays, every individual owning cars which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
them to travel
happily
to their workplace,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
at the same time, this increases air pollution in the society.
For example
,
A determiner is probably missing here: "the latest".
latest
research in a country
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
that there is a vast increase in the sales of their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
car's in last 2 yrs and
also
environmental research
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
that there is a huge increase in the pollution.

In these days,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
totally
The verb 'avoided' is used with the gerund form: "avoided having".
avoided to have
our ancestral tradition of having treatment for their problems.

In olden days
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
food which results in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
.
Also
, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
home remedies to cure their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
should encourage themselves to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
rewound to the olden traditional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
medicine
.
Indirectly
, those ways will
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
one to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
treated
with the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
even which cannot be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
treated
with the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
modern
science and technology.

After having considered all the points that I have discussed above, we can recapitulate that we should accept our olden methods and traditional treatments.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
that we can find an appropriate treatment and
also
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
medicine
for new issues.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
The joy of knowing a foreign language is inexpressible. I find it really difficult to express such joy in my mother tongue.
Munia Khan

IELTS essay Young children should learnto draw or paint. Include details and examples to support your response. v. 152

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
267 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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