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Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? IIProfessional athletes, such as football and basketballplayers, do not deserve the high salaries that they arepaid. v.317

IIProfessional athletes, such as football and basketballplayers, do not deserve the high salaries that they arepaid. v. 317
People in the modern time are bifurcated in their views on educating their children. While some assert that parents hold the responsibility due to their unique upbringing, others argue that schools are the best place to learn, because of the opportunity a child gets to socialize. While I hold a neutral stand and agree to both the experts' views, I shall explain them in detail. On the one hand, people who incline towards the idea that parents can mould their offspring to be a better individuals assume this because of a child's unique family culture. To further explicate this, each individual has their own set of family values, which distinguish them from the rest of the society. Because of the uniqueness of the ethical values each family holds, parents would be a best tutors for their successors. For instance, Taking an American survey as an example, it was revealed that 60% of parents in New York gave up their impact the knowledge of families moral values into their kids. Hence, it is evident that parents are the appropriate people who guide the rightful way of living in the society. On the other hand, it is widely acknowledged by many individuals that schools are the best place to learn the ethics, because of the opportunity to socialize. Furthermore, a school which holds a diversified environment would enable a child to research the mindset of their counterparts and invoke the self-realisation process to judge and understand the good things in a better way, which helps them to be a responsible citizen in the long run. For example, a recent news report on Fox News, telecasted that the mindset of children matches that of an adult due to the exposure to a variety of students at the schools. To conclude, having considered the aforementioned reasons on both sides of the argument, a child can be a responsible member of society by following their parents' path of the family principle, and their ability to learn in the schools due their socializing cultural environment.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
in the modern time
are bifurcated
in their views on educating their children. While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
assert that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hold
the responsibility due to their unique upbringing, others argue that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
are the best place to learn,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the opportunity a child
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
gets
to socialize. While I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hold
a neutral stand and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
to both the experts' views, I shall
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
them in detail.

On the one hand,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who incline towards the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
can
Possible spelling mistake. 'mould' is British English.
mould
their offspring to be a better individuals assume this
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of a child's unique
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
culture. To
further
explicate this, each individual has their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
set of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
values, which distinguish them from the rest of the society.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
of the uniqueness of the ethical values each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
holds
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
would be
Use "the" with the superlative.
a
best tutors for their successors.
For instance
, Taking an American survey as an example, it
was revealed
that 60% of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
in New York gave up their impact the knowledge of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
moral values into their kids.
Hence
, it is evident that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are the appropriate
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who guide the rightful way of living in the society.

On the other hand
, it is
widely
acknowledged by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
individuals that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
are the best place to learn the ethics,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the opportunity to socialize.
Furthermore
, a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
holds
a diversified environment would enable a child to research the mindset of their counterparts and invoke the
Possible spelling mistake found.
self-realisation
process to judge and understand the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
things in a better way, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
them to be a responsible citizen in the long run.
For example
, a recent news report on Fox News,
Possible spelling mistake. Did you mean "telecast", the past tense form of the verb 'telecast'?
telecasted
that the mindset of children matches that of an adult due to the exposure to a variety of students at the schools.

To conclude
, having considered the aforementioned reasons on both sides of the argument, a child can be a responsible member of society by following their parents' path of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
principle, and their ability to learn in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
due their socializing cultural environment.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay IIProfessional athletes, such as football and basketballplayers, do not deserve the high salaries that they arepaid. v. 317

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
339 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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