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Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Employers should be required to provide smoking areas for their employees who smoke cigarettes. v.269

Employers should be required to provide smoking areas for their employees who smoke cigarettes. v. 269
Many people love to spend their life in an adventurous way by doing various things. However, some people like to persist whatever they do in their daily life. In my opinion, changes are the natural part of the world. Nothing remains same as it is, so why do we need to remain the same, if a change is happening to turn the wrong things to right. First, we need to understand that everything around the world change. For example, even the climate has not been remain the same, there has been a slight shift noticed in the rise of the temperature. A desert place is turning into a fertile place. So, it also applies to the human. If you do something other than your daily habit, you learn a lot. For example, you get to meet with new people and learn about their way of life. Second, suppose, if you are solving a software related problem and you are keep doing mistakes because you are not avoiding your same logic, in that case, it is required for you to think out of the box and make things right. We cannot make things better by following the same path, without any changes. Even old scientific theories have been reformed and some big problems have been solved afterwards like in the case of Einstein Theory of Relativity. In conclusion. I am in favour of the changes that happen and should happen around you if it is not causing any harm to you and others because you should not live your life in a bored and a monotonous way.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
to spend their life
Consider replacing "in an adventurous way" with the adverb for "adventurous"; e.g., "in a hasty manner" with "hastily".
in an adventurous way
by doing various things.
However
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
like to persist whatever they do in their daily life. In my opinion,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
changes
are the natural part of the world. Nothing remains same as it is,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
why do we need to remain the same, if a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
change
is happening to turn the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
things to right.

First
, we need to understand that everything around the world
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
change
.
For example
, even the climate has not been
Consider using a past participle here: "remained".
remain
the same, there has been a slight shift noticed in the rise of the temperature. A desert place is turning into a fertile place.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, it
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
applies to
the human. If you do something other than your daily habit, you learn a lot.
For example
, you
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
with new
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
and learn about their way of life.

Second, suppose, if you are solving a software related problem and you are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
doing mistakes
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
you are not avoiding your same logic,
in that case
, it
is required
for you to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
out of the box and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
things right. We cannot
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
things better by following the same path, without any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
changes
. Even
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
scientific theories have
been reformed
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
problems have
been solved
afterwards like in the case of Einstein Theory of Relativity.

In conclusion
. I am in
Possible spelling mistake. 'favour' is British English.
favour
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
changes
that happen and should happen around you if it is not causing any harm to you
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
and others
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
you should not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
your life in a bored and a monotonous way.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Employers should be required to provide smoking areas for their employees who smoke cigarettes. v. 269

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
266 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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