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Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? The use of electronic mail (e-mail) makes people become better writers. v.271

The use of electronic mail (e-mail) makes people become better writers. v. 271
In our modern society, people tend to marry around early thirties or late. However, I personally believe that this trend is a wholly positive development. To begin with, people today enjoy their lives and keen to have more life experiences before they are ready to be married. Marriage, in fact, demands a lot of efforts and patience to make it work happily in my view. Especially for women, once they have a child, they are no longer free and totally committed to their family, therefore, they tend to enjoy their life as much as they can before they start a family. Another beneficial point to marry around thirty is that people usually become more mature mentally. The longer people live, the more people learn how to be patient that is most needed when become a parent. Although I concede the risk that mature women sometimes face in the course of their pregnancy, I would argue that the medical system now is very developed to treat the women and babies' health. Finally, my strongest argument is that the financial aspect. People around thirty years old, in my opinion, are more likely to have enough career and savings to feed their family. The more affluent the parents are, the more opportunities children can have. Education, for instance, costs a fortune in many countries and some children from low-income family often give up on learning in higher academic institutes that can be avoided by parents who have more budget to rear children. To sum up, not only waiting until thirty and marry gives time to enjoy their life, but it also makes the parents be more affordable for children's education in the future. Therefore, I believe that the trend is absolutely a positive development.
In our modern society,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
tend to marry around early thirties or late.
However
, I
personally
believe that this trend is a wholly
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
development.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
enjoy their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
and keen to have more life experiences
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
they are ready to
be married
. Marriage, in fact, demands
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
efforts and patience to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
it work
happily
in my view.
Especially
for women, once they have a child, they are no longer free and
totally
committed to their family,
therefore
, they tend to enjoy their life as much as they can
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
a family.

Another beneficial point to marry around thirty is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
usually
become more mature mentally. The longer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
, the more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
learn how to be patient
that is
most needed when become a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parent
. Although I concede the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
that mature women
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
face in the course of their pregnancy, I would argue that the medical system
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
developed to treat the women and babies' health.

Finally
, my strongest argument is that the financial aspect.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
around thirty years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
, in my opinion, are more likely to have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
career and savings to feed their family. The more affluent the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are, the more opportunities children can have. Education,
for instance
, costs a fortune in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
countries and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
children from low-income family
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
give up on learning in higher academic institutes that can
be avoided
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
who have more budget to rear children.

To sum up, not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
waiting until thirty and marry gives time to enjoy their life,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
be more affordable for children's education in the future.
Therefore
, I believe that the trend is
absolutely
a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
development.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay The use of electronic mail (e-mail) makes people become better writers. v. 271

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
291 words
7.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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