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Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Parents should allow children to make their own choices rather than determine their future for them. v.260

Parents should allow children to make their own choices rather than determine their future for them. v. 260
Due to advanced medical solutions, the average lifespan of human being has increased, especially, in the developed countries. Although the higher elderly population has given rise to some problems, there are solutions. One of the first problems due to increased life expectancy is a huge burden on the taxpayers. Clearly, governments have to allocate more money towards the pension scheme in order to ensure the survival of the senior citizens. This can be made possible only by deducting additional tax from working population ages. Another major problem is added financial responsibility on the shoulders of the young members of the family. Older people are more prone to health-related issues and diseases, thus, the monthly expense of affected family is liable to rise, imposing extra spending on doctor’s visits and medication. In addition, youngsters have to sacrifice their time to take care of their older relatives. However, it is important to tackle these problems. Governments should ensure that the retirement age is raised. For example, the current pension age in most developed nations is 60. While the aged people are healthy and can work efficiently, they should be allowed to work at least till the age of 65. This could alleviate government responsibilities towards the senior population. Moreover, wealthy countries should strive to achieve further improvement in their healthcare sector by investing in more advanced medical research which can help reduce unhealthy conditions in old age, so that senior people can live a healthy life without relying on their offspring. In conclusion, the increase in life expectancy has raised the responsibility of governments and young individuals. However, intelligent new regulations such as increasing the retirement age and helping the senior citizens to live healthily could mitigate the impacts of the aging population.
Due to advanced medical solutions, the average lifespan of human being has increased,
especially
, in the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developed countries
. Although the higher elderly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
rise to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
, there are solutions.

One of the
first
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
due to increased life expectancy is a huge burden on the taxpayers.
Clearly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
governments
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
allocate more money towards the pension scheme in order to ensure the survival of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
senior
citizens. This can
be made
possible
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
by deducting additional tax from working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ages
. Another major
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
added
financial responsibility on the shoulders of the young members of the family. Older
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are more prone to health-related issues and diseases,
thus
, the monthly expense of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
family is liable to rise, imposing extra spending on doctor’s visits and medication.
In addition
, youngsters
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
sacrifice their time to take care of their older relatives.

However
, it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to tackle these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Governments
should ensure that the retirement
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
is raised
.
For example
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
pension
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
in most developed nations is 60. While the aged
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are healthy and can work
efficiently
, they should be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
to work at least till the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
of 65. This could alleviate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
responsibilities towards the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
senior
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
.
Moreover
, wealthy countries should strive to achieve
further
improvement in their healthcare sector by investing in more advanced medical research which can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
unhealthy conditions in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
senior
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
a healthy life without relying on their offspring.

In conclusion
, the increase in life expectancy has raised the responsibility of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
governments
and young individuals.
However
, intelligent new regulations such as increasing the retirement
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
and helping the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
senior
citizens to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
healthily
could mitigate the impacts of the aging
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
The conquest of learning is achieved through the knowledge of languages.
Roger Bacon

IELTS essay Parents should allow children to make their own choices rather than determine their future for them. v. 260

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
291 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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