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Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? When choosing a job, it is more important to like the job than to make a certain amount of money. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer. v.205

When choosing a job, it is more important to like the job than to make a certain amount of money. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer. v. 205
The importance of music and sports as a part of the study is mounting among the students day by day. As, it helps them to perform better mentally and physically. However, some people suggest that students should only focus on the academic subjects which can benefit them in achieving their successful career. Music and sports play an essential role in overall development of students for many reasons. First, Students will know about singing structure and by doing some various activities in singing, they can relax and stress free from their burden of complex secondary structure. Moreover, they also do some advance course in singing further. Secondly, Sports as a subject of exercise helps in gaining knowledge of different types of sports for example, cricket, football, table tennis etc. Which further benefit them by participating in outdoor activity programmes in their school. Furthermore, Students should always be a member of this sports activity regularly to maintain their fitness levels. Finally, both these subjects benefit the students in many ways. As far as they choose singing or any sports as a career option and becoming professional in their career, they will bring them into famous personalities in the same field and earn a hefty amount of income. On the other hand, People argue that music and sports should be removed as an item of subject because both can distract the students to perform better academically. However they suggest it should only be a part time activity in the school. To conclude, I opine that music and sports as a part of the study overall fulfil the students into better individuals.
The importance of music and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
as a part of the study is mounting among the
Apostrophe might be missing. Did you mean "students'" or "student's"?
students
day by day. As, it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
them to perform better mentally and
physically
.
However
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
suggest that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
focus on the academic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
which can benefit them in achieving their successful career.

Music and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
play an essential role in
overall
development of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
reasons.
First
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Students
will know about
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
singing
structure and by doing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
various
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
singing
, they can relax and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
free from their burden of complex secondary structure.
Moreover
, they
also
do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
advance course in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
singing
further
.
Secondly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Sports
as a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subject
of exercise
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
in gaining knowledge of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
types of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
for example
, cricket, football, table tennis etc.
“Which” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Which
further
benefit them by participating in outdoor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activity
Possible spelling mistake. 'programmes' is British English.
programmes
in their school.
Furthermore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Students
should always be a member of this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activity
regularly
to maintain their fitness levels.

Finally
, both these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
benefit the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
ways. As far as they choose
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
singing
or any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
as a career option and becoming professional in their career, they will bring them into
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
personalities in the same field and earn a hefty amount of income.

On the other hand
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
argue that music and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
should
be removed
as an item of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subject
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
both can distract the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to perform better
academically
.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
However
they suggest it should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
be a
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
part time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activity
in the school.

To conclude
, I opine that music and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
as a part of the study
overall
fulfil the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
into better individuals.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay When choosing a job, it is more important to like the job than to make a certain amount of money. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer. v. 205

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
268 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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