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The graph below gives information about ownership of computers as percentGe of population from 2002 to 2010 as well as their level of education v.1

The graph below gives information about ownership of computers as percentGe of population from 2002 to 2010 as well as their level of education v. 1
It is true that learning a new language is not an easy task and that is why many parents prefer their children to learn these foreign languages in their early age. Although there are some drawbacks of this phenomena, I do believe that advantages are far more than its disadvantages. Firstly, to begin with the advantages, early age is considered a perfect stage to learn hard things. Children can grasp new concepts very easily than the adults. So, if these foreign languages are introduced in the primary school, students can learn it very easily and would remember it for a long period. This training can help them in future to get some good jobs in those foreign countries as most of the employers want their employee to have knowledge of local languages. Secondly, those who have learned foreign languages will have more options to choose their living country and can achieve more success in their lives. On the other hand, many people consider learning of other languages as a waste of time. They argue that children should invest this time in learning difficult subjects like science and maths. Also some people have fear of devaluation of their native language if people start learning new languages. Consequently, many countries are forcing their education system not to teach other scripts. But with the proper scheduling, precautions and awareness guardians can allow their kids to take other languages in their curriculum. In conclusion, there are some convincing arguments of both for against the introduction of foreign languages in primary school, I totally believe that learning a new language at an early age is absolutely worthy and clearly its merits outweigh demerits.
It is true that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learning
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
language
is not an easy task and
that is
why
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
parents prefer their children to learn these
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foreign
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
languages
in their early age. Although there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
drawbacks of
Did you mean "these"?
this
phenomena, I do believe that advantages are far more than its disadvantages.

Firstly
, to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with the advantages, early age
is considered
a perfect stage to learn
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
things. Children can grasp
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
concepts
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
Use "(easily)" to make a comparison with this adjective.
easily
than the adults.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, if these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foreign
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
languages
are introduced
in the primary school, students can learn it
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
easily
and would remember it for a long period. This training can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them in future to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
jobs in those
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foreign
countries as most of the employers want their employee to have knowledge of local
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
languages
.
Secondly
, those who have learned
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foreign
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
languages
will have more options to choose their living country and can achieve more success in their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.

On the
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other
hand,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
consider
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learning
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
languages
as a waste of time. They argue that children should invest this time in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learning
difficult subjects like science and
Possible spelling mistake. 'maths' is British English.
maths
.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Also
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
have fear of devaluation of their native
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language
if
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learning
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
languages
.
Consequently
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
countries are forcing their education system not to teach
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
scripts.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
with the proper scheduling, precautions and awareness guardians can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
their kids to take
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
languages
in their curriculum.

In conclusion
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
convincing arguments of both for against the introduction of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foreign
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
languages
in primary school, I
totally
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learning
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
language
at an early age is
absolutely
worthy and
clearly
its merits outweigh demerits.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
Learn everything you can, anytime you can, from anyone you can; there will always come a time when you will be grateful you did.
Sarah Caldwell

IELTS essay The graph below gives information about ownership of computers as percentGe of population from 2002 to 2010 as well as their level of education v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
278 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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