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Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? some adults want to get independence from his parents as soon as possible v.185

some adults want to get independence from his parents as soon as possible v. 185
Some cultures value elders the most, while others consider young people to be the most important. In my opinion, while youth has some benefits, I believe that old people are the most important due to their invaluable experiences. On the one hand, some countries consider elders to be their most valuable asset, and I agree. Firstly, older people are skilled and experienced in their careers due to living and working for many years. As a consequence, they know how to deal with many people and different problems at work. Their experiences and knowledge are extremely beneficial to societies as elders can help many people in the workplace and write books about the lessons they have learned to benefit everyone. Secondly, they are wiser than anyone else in society, therefore, families greatly rely on elders and constantly seek their advice. They are the support and the foundation of every family and young people always find comfort when they speak to elders. On the other hand, some cultures think that youth is more important than experience. Young people are healthy and eager to experience life and have an active role in society. For instance, they can do volunteer work, socialize with others, and at the same time work or study. Another reason is that they are fast learners. If they decide to study a certain major at university or embark on a new career, they learn quickly. However, there are many exceptions as an increasing number of young people are becoming stressed and are suffering from mental health issues due to their busy lifestyles, which causes them to do less in their societies. In conclusion, although people have varying opinions, I believe that elders are the most valuable members in societies due to their useful experiences and knowledge.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
cultures value
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
elders
the most, while others consider
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to be the most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
. In my opinion, while youth has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
benefits, I believe that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are the most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
due
to their invaluable experiences.

On the one hand,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
countries consider
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
elders
to be their most valuable asset, and I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
.
Firstly
, older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are skilled
and experienced in their careers
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
due
to living and working for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
years. As a consequence, they know how to deal with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
problems at work. Their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experiences
and knowledge are
extremely
beneficial to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
societies
as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
elders
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in the workplace and write books about the lessons they have learned to benefit everyone.
Secondly
, they are wiser than anyone else in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
,
therefore
, families
greatly
rely on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
elders
and
constantly
seek their advice. They are the support and the foundation of every family and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
always find comfort when they speak to elders.

On the other hand
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
cultures
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that youth is more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experience
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are healthy and eager to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experience
life and have an active role in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
.
For instance
, they can do volunteer work, socialize with others, and at the same time work or study. Another reason is that they are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
learners. If they decide to study a certain major at university or embark on a new career, they learn
quickly
.
However
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
exceptions as an increasing number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are becoming
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stressed
and are suffering from mental health issues
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
due
to their busy lifestyles, which causes them to do less in their societies.

In conclusion
, although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have varying opinions, I believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
elders
are the most valuable members in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
societies
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
due
to their useful
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experiences
and knowledge.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay some adults want to get independence from his parents as soon as possible v. 185

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
296 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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