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Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? childhood is the happiest time of a person's life. v.177

childhood is the happiest time of a person's life. v. 177
It is true that currently the inhabitants of some countries are more young mature people than the older ones. While there are some serious negative consequences of this increment, I would argue that these are outweighed by the advantages. On the one hand, there are some aspect of this increment of the young population that can cause some concern. First of all, there would be an increase of unemployment, which relates to the number of young people present in a determined area. For example, in Japan, more specifically in Tokyo, there are a large number of young people who immigrated here from the countryside, this means that there would be a high competitiveness and, as a result, the places of work would be limited and available only for those have a high background standard. Furthermore, this increase may affect the younger peoples mind set and rise the stress and, consequently, and increment of some disease such as depression. On the other hand, despite such grave issues, some advantages must be considered before giving a hasty opinion. Firstly, with a higher number of young people than older people, the government can provide the latters the pension thanks to the young citizen's contribution. In fact, elderly people can live peacefully without any concern about their pension since it is supported by the taxes paid by the younger. Secondly, a large number of adults can contribute a high availability of labour force, which can increase a country's economy significantly. In conclusion, I believe that the benefits of this phenomenon are greater than the drawbacks, serious though there are.
It is true that
currently
the inhabitants of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
countries are more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
mature
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
than the older ones.

While there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
serious
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
consequences of this increment, I would argue that these
are outweighed
by the advantages.

On the one hand, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
Possible agreement error. Did you mean "aspects"?
aspect
of this increment of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
population that can cause
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
concern.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, there would be an increase of unemployment, which relates to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
present in a determined area.
For example
, in Japan, more
specifically
in Tokyo, there are a large
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who immigrated here from the countryside, this means that there would be a high competitiveness and,
as a result
, the places of work would
be limited
and available
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
for those have a high background standard.
Furthermore
, this increase may affect the younger
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
peoples
mind set and rise the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
and,
consequently
, and increment of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
disease such as depression.

On the other hand
, despite such grave issues,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
advantages
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be considered
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
giving a hasty opinion.
Firstly
, with a higher
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
than older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
can provide the
Possible spelling mistake found.
latters
the pension thanks to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
citizen's contribution. In fact, elderly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
peacefully
without any concern about their pension since it
is supported
by the taxes paid by the younger.
Secondly
, a large
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of adults can contribute a high availability of
Possible spelling mistake. 'labour' is British English.
labour
force, which can increase a country's economy
significantly
.

In conclusion
, I believe that the benefits of this phenomenon are greater than the drawbacks, serious though there are.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay childhood is the happiest time of a person's life. v. 177

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
265 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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