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Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? youth is not involved in decision making channels in our world. v.166

youth is not involved in decision making channels in our world. v. 166
Some people believe that saving possessions in the future is such a kind of waste. Whereas, others argue that focusing on the present days are far more important. In my opinion, I will tend to agree with the idea that people should look forward as there are many things that they can encounter. There are a number of reasons why people should be ready for their future by collecting their own things. Firstly, the most important factor in our society is money, playing a role from your personal usage to community development. If we use all of our money at once, we may face difficulties later time. For example, in health problem, nowadays there are many new diseases and weird virus that can take the life of everyone. So, without sufficient wage, no one can cure that cost a lot. We should save properties for our forthcoming time for this reason. In addition to this, people can lose their way if there is no plan for their later life. For example, if someone wants to get a job with high salaries, they should not only focus on their studies to get a higher degree, providing for a good job but also have a proper plan in order to implement their goals. On the other hand, there are some people who assert that it is better to focus on the current day. They argue that they cannot easily get back such a valuable life, so they should spend all of their properties. Moreover, people become more materialistic, so they have devoted their wage to trendy gadgets not knowing it can impact later on. In conclusion, although people should concentrate on their current developments that is a part of their further development, however from my point of view, it is more important to intend for this ultimate in order to possess a smooth lifetime.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believe that saving possessions in the future is such a kind of waste.
“Whereas” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Whereas
, others argue that focusing on the present days are far more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
. In my opinion, I will tend to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should look forward as there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
things that they can encounter.

There are a number of reasons why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should be ready for their future by collecting their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
things.
Firstly
, the most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
factor in our society is money, playing a role from your personal usage to community development. If we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
all of our money at once, we may face difficulties later time.
For example
, in health problem, nowadays there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
new diseases and weird virus that can take the life of everyone.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, without sufficient wage, no one can cure that cost a lot. We should save properties for our forthcoming time
for this reason
.
In addition
to this,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can lose their way if there is no plan for their later life.
For example
, if someone wants to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a job with high salaries, they should not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
focus on their studies to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a higher degree, providing for a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
job
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
have a proper plan in order to implement their goals.

On the other hand
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who assert that it is better to focus on the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
day. They argue that they cannot
easily
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
back such a valuable life,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they should spend all of their properties.
Moreover
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
become more materialistic,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they have devoted their wage to trendy gadgets not knowing it can impact later on.

In conclusion
, although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should concentrate on their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
developments
that is
a part of their
further
development,
however
from my point of view, it is more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to intend for this ultimate in order to possess a smooth lifetime.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
Language is not a genetic gift, it is a social gift. Learning a new language is becoming a member of the club – the community of speakers of that language.
Frank Smith

IELTS essay youth is not involved in decision making channels in our world. v. 166

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
312 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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