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Which do you prefer to buy new technological devices immediately after they become available or to wait till many people have adopted them v.2

Which do you prefer to buy new technological devices immediately after they become available or to wait till many people have adopted them v. 2
Many people prefer to buy new technological devices immediately after they become available. They think this makes them at the top of people who own such devices, in other word to be boasted among their families or friends. Although i understand their point of view, I prefer to hold device which many people have adopted it because it is safer to use devices after many people use them, and approve such devices are the best, and to gather a lot of information about their usage, and their advantages. First, it is safer to use devices after many people have adopted them. For example, in 2010 my friend was within the first group of people who bought i phones in my country. It was a bad internet connections in my country at that time. My friend didn' t use the i phone as a new technological device. Instead, he used it as traditional phone just for dialing numbers. He couldn' t use the phone for sending an email, or for searching google. He was sad because he bought it to take advantages of the technological innovation in this device. On the other hand, i didn' t do the same fault as my friend. I waited until many people adopted it. Then after the internet connection was good in my country i bought it. It was really a good device. I used it to send a lot of important e mails of my company. It is so convenient and easier than the use of computers. I was so happy. Next, it is good to gather information on new devices before using them. For example, when my sister bought I phone immediately after they become available in stores, she wasn' t know how she can use it, how she can send an email, and how she can send a photo or a video. This took a lot of time. She went to many stores to know how she can use her device. She was upset then she decided to sell it. On contrary, i watched a lot of learning videos on how to use i phones before i bought them. After i gathered information from many people who were buying i phones, i was ready to buy one, and used it in a perfect face. I got a lot of advantages from the using of i phone, and it' s my choice till present. In conclusion, for the reasons mentioned above, I encourage everyone to wait the devices until many people have adopted them. Why not try to do that when next technological devices be available in stores? once you experience the benefits of waiting you will not buy a devices immediately after they become available.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
prefer to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technological
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
devices
immediately after they become
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
available
. They
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
them at the top of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
devices
, in other word to
be boasted
among their families or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
. Although
Is this the personal pronoun "I"? It is spelled uppercase.
i
understand their point of view, I prefer to hold
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
device
which
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adopted
it
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it is safer to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
devices
after
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
them, and approve such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
devices
are the best, and to gather a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lot
of information about their usage, and their advantages.

First
, it is safer to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
devices
after
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adopted
them.
For example
, in 2010 my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friend
was within the
first
group of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bought
Is this the personal pronoun "I"? It is spelled uppercase.
i
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
in my country. It was a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
internet connections in my country at that time. My
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friend
Possible spelling mistake found.
didn&
#039; t
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
the
Is this the personal pronoun "I"? It is spelled uppercase.
i
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
as a new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technological
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
device
.
Instead
, he
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
it as traditional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
for dialing numbers. He
Possible spelling mistake found.
couldn&
#039; t
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
for sending an email, or for searching google. He was sad
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
he
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bought
it to take advantages of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technological
innovation in this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
device
.
On the other hand
, i
Possible spelling mistake found.
didn&
#039; t do the same fault as my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friend
. I waited until
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adopted
it. Then after the internet connection was
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
in my country
Is this the personal pronoun "I"? It is spelled uppercase.
i
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bought
it. It was
really
a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
device
. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
it to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
send
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lot
of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
e mails
of my
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
. It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
convenient and easier than the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of computers. I was
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
happy.

Next
, it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
to gather information on new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
devices
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
using them.
For example
, when my sister
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bought
I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
immediately after they become
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
available
in stores, she
Possible spelling mistake found.
wasn&
#039; t know how she can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
it, how she can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
send
an email, and how she can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
send
a photo or a video. This took a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lot
of time. She went to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
stores to know how she can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
her
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
device
. She
was upset
then she decided to sell it. On contrary,
Is this the personal pronoun "I"? It is spelled uppercase.
i
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watched
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lot
of learning videos on how to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
Is this the personal pronoun "I"? It is spelled uppercase.
i
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
Is this the personal pronoun "I"? It is spelled uppercase.
i
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bought
them. After
Is this the personal pronoun "I"? It is spelled uppercase.
i
gathered information from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who were buying
Is this the personal pronoun "I"? It is spelled uppercase.
i
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
,
Is this the personal pronoun "I"? It is spelled uppercase.
i
was ready to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
one, and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
it in a perfect face. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lot
of advantages from the using of
Is this the personal pronoun "I"? It is spelled uppercase.
i
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
, and
Possible spelling mistake found.
it&
#039; s my choice till present.

In conclusion
, for the reasons mentioned above, I encourage everyone to wait the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
devices
until
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adopted
them. Why not try to do that when
next
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technological
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
devices
be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
available
in stores?
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
once
you experience the benefits of waiting you will not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
devices
immediately after they become
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
available
.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
52Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
19Mistakes

IELTS essay Which do you prefer to buy new technological devices immediately after they become available or to wait till many people have adopted them v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
453 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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