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Do you agree or disagree with following statements? The telephone has a greater influence on people's lives than television. v.4

The telephone has a greater influence on people's lives than television. v. 4
New technologies made our lives more convenient than the past. Recent innovations in communication changed our lives in a good way. Even though they create some problems for us, but their benefits far outweigh their drawbacks. Some people are of the opinion that television has a greater effect on us than the telephone while others hold a different point of view. I insist that both of them are essential for our society and it is hard to imagine our world without them. In the following, I am willing to support my perspective by proposing two main arguments. First and the foremost reason lies in the fact that telephone brought us together. We use it to communicate with each other. If the telephone did not exist, we could lose our connection with lots of people including our friends and relatives. It reduced the transportation costs by eliminating unnecessary transportations. For example, my family lived in Birjand. In the meantime, I was studying in Mashhad which was far away from Birjand. Whenever I had a problem in those days, I called my family and they could help me to solve it. Otherwise, they always were worried about my conditions and it could dissuade me from pursuing further study. Another subtle factor rests on the notion that television has a significant influence on the information dissemination and businesses. There are lots of businesses which are highly dependent on the television, acting, advertisement, news agencies and so forth. In addition, television brings us peace because in today' s world, if something happened around the world, people would be informed and would help each other to solve it. I remember that about twelve years ago, an earthquake occurred in my country. Then, the whole country and other countries contributed to managing the situation. In that case, television played a crucial role in the disaster. It leads that people feel empathy for survivors. To sum up, I would like to point out that comparing television and telephone is as well as comparing apple and oranges. As a result, we need both them and if we removed each of them from our community, it would cause scores of problems for us. Not only does the telephone lower the costs but television also creates various businesses and propagates information among people. Furthermore, the basic technology in both of them is very similar. However, I concede that we should use them in a good way, otherwise, they could cause problems for us.
New technologies made our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
more convenient than the past. Recent innovations in communication
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
in a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
way.
Even though
they create
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
for us,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
their benefits far outweigh their drawbacks.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are of the opinion that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
has a greater effect on us than the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
telephone
while others hold a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
point of view. I insist that both of them are essential for our society and it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to imagine our world without them. In the following, I am willing to support my perspective by proposing two main arguments.

First
and the foremost reason lies in the fact that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
telephone
brought us together. We
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
it to communicate with each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
. If the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
telephone
did not exist, we could lose our connection with lots of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
including our friends and relatives. It
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
the transportation costs by eliminating unnecessary transportations.
For example
, my family
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lived
in
Possible spelling mistake found.
Birjand
. In the meantime, I was studying in Mashhad which was far away from
Possible spelling mistake found.
Birjand
. Whenever I had a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
in those days, I called my
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
family and
they could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
me to solve it.
Otherwise
, they always
were worried
about my conditions and it could dissuade me from pursuing
further
study.

Another subtle factor rests on the notion that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
has a significant influence on the information dissemination and businesses. There are lots of businesses which are
highly
dependent on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
, acting, advertisement, news agencies and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
forth.
In addition
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
brings us peace
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
in
Possible spelling mistake found.
today&
#039; s world, if something happened around the world,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
would
be informed
and would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
to solve it. I remember that about twelve years ago, an earthquake occurred in my country. Then, the whole country and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
countries contributed to managing the situation.
In that case
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
played a crucial role in the disaster. It leads that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
feel empathy for survivors.

To sum up, I would like to point out that comparing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
telephone
is
as well
as comparing apple and oranges.
As a result
, we need both them and if we removed each of them from our community, it would cause scores of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
for us. Not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
does the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
telephone
lower the costs
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
also
creates various businesses and propagates information among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
Furthermore
, the basic technology in both of them is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
similar.
However
, I concede that we should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
them in a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
way,
otherwise
, they could cause
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
for us.
15Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
24Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes

IELTS essay The telephone has a greater influence on people's lives than television. v. 4

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
413 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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