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Do you agree or disagree with following statements? The telephone has a greater influence on people's lives than television. v.2

The telephone has a greater influence on people's lives than television. v. 2
Buying plenty of toys are being carried out by some group of parents. This essay will discuss both the benefits and the drawbacks of this trend upon the children themselves. Having a large number of toys can be advantageous for the children. As we may be aware, these playthings can be used to foster a child’s cognitive thinking. The colours and shapes of the toys are varied, and therefore, it stimulates the child’s brain to better recognize the objects. A puzzle game, for example, enforce a child to be able to recognize the pattern of the puzzle in order to put on the pieces correctly. Furthermore, many parents believe that by providing their children with various toys, their children’s boredom can be avoided. The main reason for this is that when there are many items available for them to play, they can easily switch from one object to the other object while playing so that it reduces the possibilities for the children from being bored. For instance, this method has been proven effective by the majority of parents in China. Exposing the children to numerous toys is not without its disadvantages, however. Firstly, these playthings are usually made from certain materials that can be harmful for the children. Often, certain substances, which is quite poisonous, are being added by the toy-makers in order to improve its appearance. Take playdough as an example, it can cause a harm when it is accidentally swallowed by the children. In addition, by having a plenty of playful things at home seems to cause some children to lose their concentration in the study. This is because their attention is mainly to their toys instead of school subjects. This situation can be seen in Malaysia, where most of the primary school students failed their course as they spent more time playing than studying. In conclusion, there are various strengths and shortcomings of allowing the children to have a large number of toys. While the positive aspects can be obtained, such as stimulating a child’s brain and avoiding them from a boredom, the negative aspects, such as decreasing a child’s concentration in the study and it can be harmful to a child’s body, should not be overlooked.
Buying
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
plenty
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
toys
are
being carried
out by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
group of parents. This essay will discuss both the benefits and the drawbacks of this trend upon the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
themselves.

Having
Specify a number, remove phrase, or simply use "many" or "numerous"
a large number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
toys
can be advantageous for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. As we may be aware, these playthings can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to foster a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child’s
cognitive thinking. The
Possible spelling mistake. 'colours' is British English.
colours
and shapes of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
toys
are varied
, and
therefore
, it stimulates the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child’s
brain to better recognize the objects. A puzzle game,
for example
, enforce a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
to be able to recognize the pattern of the puzzle in order to put on the pieces
correctly
.
Furthermore
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
parents believe that by providing their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
with various
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
toys
, their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
boredom can
be avoided
. The main reason for this is that when there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
items available for them to play, they can
easily
switch from one object to the other object while playing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduces
the possibilities for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
from
being bored
.
For instance
, this method has
been proven
effective by the majority of parents in China.

Exposing the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to numerous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
toys
is not without its disadvantages,
however
.
Firstly
, these playthings are
usually
made from certain materials that can be harmful for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Often
, certain substances, which is quite poisonous, are being
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
added
by the toy-makers in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
its appearance. Take
Possible spelling mistake found.
playdough
as an example, it can cause a harm when it is
accidentally
swallowed by the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
In addition
, by having a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
plenty
of playful things at home seems to cause
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to lose their concentration in the study. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
their attention is
mainly
to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
toys
instead
of school subjects. This situation can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
in Malaysia, where most of the primary school students failed their course as they spent more time playing than studying.

In conclusion
, there are various strengths and shortcomings of allowing the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to have
Specify a number, remove phrase, or simply use "many" or "numerous"
a large number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
toys
. While the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
aspects can
be obtained
, such as stimulating a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child’s
brain and avoiding them from a boredom, the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
aspects, such as decreasing a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child’s
concentration in the study and it can be harmful to a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child’s
body, should not
be overlooked
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay The telephone has a greater influence on people's lives than television. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
370 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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