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Do you agree or disagree that parents should use physical punishment when disciplining their children? v.1

that parents should use physical punishment when disciplining their children? v. 1
The popularity of studying and living abroad is increasing every year. This essay will discuss some positive and negative aspects of this trend. First of all, there are two main advantages of studying abroad like learning a new language and studying new occupations. Firstly, when students or adults live or study abroad, they will definitely learn a new language whether they want or not. It helps people to extend their knowledge and improve cognitive abilities. Secondly, the living in another country gives opportunity to find a high - paid job. Knowing another language and having a local visa make you more competitive and demanded. For example, my brother, who works as a florist, moved to Poland and he feels himself much better than in his mother country. On the other hand, moving to another country has some obvious drawbacks. Firstly, people commence to forget about their native culture. Of course, some of them come back and try to use the knowledge that they have learnt by studying or living there in order to improve the situation in their own countries. However, in most of the cases, people assimilate and stay to live there. Secondly, it causes many problems in terms of politics and society. Not everyone who lives there feels themselves comfortable. Some of them are discriminated by the skin colour or race, thereby causing a negative relationship between countries. For instance, in Russia Chinese and African students discriminate because of race. To sum up, although there are advantages of living abroad like learning a new culture and chance to find a good job, it has extremely bad problems with discrimination and forgetting about their own countries.
The popularity of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studying
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
living
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
abroad
is increasing every year. This essay will discuss
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
aspects of this trend.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, there are two main advantages of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studying
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
abroad
like learning a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
language and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studying
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
occupations.
Firstly
, when students or adults
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
or study
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
abroad
, they will definitely learn a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
language whether they want or not. It
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
to extend their knowledge and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
cognitive abilities.
Secondly
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
living
in another
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
gives opportunity to find a high
Consider using an m-dash if you do not want to join two words.
-
paid job. Knowing another language and having a local visa
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
you more competitive and demanded.
For example
, my brother, who works as a florist,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
moved
to
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
Poland and
he feels himself much better than in his mother country.

On the other hand
, moving to another
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
obvious drawbacks.
Firstly
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
commence to forget about their native culture.
Of course
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
of them
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
back and try to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
the knowledge that they have
Possible spelling mistake. 'learnt' is British English.
learnt
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studying
or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
living
there in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
the situation in their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
.
However
, in most of the cases,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
assimilate and stay to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
there.
Secondly
, it causes
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
problems in terms of politics and society. Not everyone who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
there feels themselves comfortable.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
of them
are discriminated
by the skin
Possible spelling mistake. 'colour' is British English.
colour
or race, thereby causing a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
relationship between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
.
For instance
, in Russia Chinese and African students discriminate
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of race.

To sum up, although there are advantages of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
living
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
abroad
like learning a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
culture and chance to find a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
job, it has
extremely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
problems with discrimination and forgetting about their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay that parents should use physical punishment when disciplining their children? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
277 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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