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Do you agree or disagree that it is better to work for business owned by someone else than to work for the business of one’s own family. v.2

that it is better to work for business owned by someone else than to work for the business of one’s own family. v. 2
Nowadays, working in business has been playing a significant role in our daily life. Although there is widely acknowledged belief that working for owned by someone else is perfect, some other people thinks that working for the business of one’s own family is better than working for owned by someone else. In my opinion, I prefer the second is better. In the first place, no one can deny working for the business of one’s own family will get more salary than working for the business owned by someone else. In other words, the business owned by someone else will not have a lot of profit to pay your high salary, but the business of one’s own family is not. Take my sister, Alice, as an example. She majored in the mathematics in the university, and she wanted to work in the business owned by someone else, because she thought she could become a leader in this business. So when she worked in the business, she worked harder than everyone in the business. She found that, however, not only she got a little salary but also will not become a leader. So, she decided working for the business of one’s own family. It is surprised that she got more salary than before when she worked in the first month. We can see that if she had worked for the business of one’s own family, she would have got a lot of salary. In the second place, you will have free time if you work for the business of one’s own family. In other words, if you working for the business owned by someone else, you will not have free time even not have weakened. Go back to the Alice’s example. She wanted to travel to the China, but what made she frustrated was that she not only had a little salary but also not have free time to travel other country. But when she worked for the business of one’s own family, she could apply for the 15-days to travel other country. We can see that it is because she works for the business of one’s own family that Alice has free time. Although there are some people announced that it is better working for business owned by someone else than working for the business of one’s own family, I have to claim that working in the business of one’s own family is better because you will have a lot of salary and free time.
Nowadays,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
has been playing a significant role in our daily life. Although there is
widely
acknowledged belief that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
owned
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
someone
else is perfect,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
thinks
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
of one’s
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
is better than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
owned
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
someone
else. In my opinion, I prefer the second is better.

In the
first
place, no one can deny
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
of one’s
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
salary
than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
owned
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
someone
else.
Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
In
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
words, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
owned
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
someone
else will not have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
profit to pay your high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
salary
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
of one’s
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
is not. Take my sister, Alice, as an example. She majored in the mathematics in the university, and she wanted to work in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
owned
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
someone
else,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
she
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
she could become a leader in this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
when she worked in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
, she worked harder than everyone in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
. She found that,
however
, not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
she
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
salary
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
will not become a leader.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, she decided
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
of one’s
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
. It
is surprised
that she
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
salary
than
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
when she worked in the
first
month. We can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
that if she had worked for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
of one’s
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
, she would have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
salary.

In the second place, you will have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
if you work for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
of one’s
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
. In
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
words, if you
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
owned
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
someone
else, you will not have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
even not have weakened. Go back to the Alice’s example. She wanted to travel to the China,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
what made she frustrated was that she not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
had a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
salary
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
not have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to travel
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
country.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
when she worked for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
of one’s
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
, she could apply for the 15-days to travel
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
country. We can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
that it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
she works for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
of one’s
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
that Alice has
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
free
time.

Although there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
announced that it is better
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
owned
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
someone
else than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
of one’s
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
, I
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
claim that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
of one’s
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
is better
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
you will have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
salary
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
.
15Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
74Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes
As a hawk flieth not high with one wing, even so a man reacheth not to excellence with one tongue.
Roger Ascham

IELTS essay that it is better to work for business owned by someone else than to work for the business of one’s own family. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
414 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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