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Do you agree or disagree that it is better to work for business owned by someone else than to work for the business of one’s own family. v.1

that it is better to work for business owned by someone else than to work for the business of one’s own family. v. 1
Technology is a vital part of our life and we are connected to it during all hours in our daily life. Although it has made the world a smaller place for us, yet it poses a major threat to our traditions. We can keep our unwritten law alive with scientific knowledge if we merge them together and educate our children about it. The 21st century generation is moving swiftly towards automation. We are so dependent on the machinery that we wake up from an alarm in our phone and spend our day on a laptop, watch the television in the evening and sleep after reading a novel on kindle. Just like food and shelter, the technology has become our basic need. While learning this machinery, we have forgotten our traditions. Traditions are the norm of our society. They teach us how to live as a family and unite in the time of crisis. If we combine our historical conventions with the automation, then people will learn it with interest. The other way is, updating the people about events and festivals related to our tradition through social media. Create e-books of our ancestral books like “The Ramayan” and “Mahabharat” and publish them online. Create videos related to the culture and beliefs so that people can watch them. In conclusion, I would like to say that the machinery is extremely important in our daily life and we should keep advancing in it with time. However a tradition is something which binds us together and we should not let it go. In my opinion, teaching people about the tradition through technology is the best way possible to keep both going.
Technology is a vital part of our
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
life and
we
are connected
to it during all hours in our daily life. Although it has made the world a smaller place for us,
yet
it poses a major threat to our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traditions
. We can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
our unwritten law alive with scientific knowledge if we merge them together and educate our children about it.

The 21st century generation is moving
swiftly
towards automation. We are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
dependent on the machinery that we wake up from an alarm in our phone and spend our day on a laptop,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
the television in the evening and sleep after reading a novel on kindle.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Just
like food and shelter, the technology has become our basic need. While learning this machinery, we have forgotten our traditions.

Traditions are the norm of our society. They teach us how to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
as a family and unite in the time of crisis. If we combine our historical conventions with the automation, then
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will learn it with interest. The other way is, updating the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
about
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
and festivals related to our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tradition
through social media. Create e-books of our ancestral books like “The
Possible spelling mistake found.
Ramayan
” and “
Possible spelling mistake found.
Mahabharat
” and publish them online. Create videos related to the culture and beliefs
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
them.

In conclusion
, I would like to say that the machinery is
extremely
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
in our daily
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
life and
we should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
advancing in it with time.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
However
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tradition
is something which binds us
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
together and
we should not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
it go. In my opinion, teaching
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
about the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tradition
through technology is the best way possible to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
both going.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
Speak a new language so that the world will be a new world.
Rumi

IELTS essay that it is better to work for business owned by someone else than to work for the business of one’s own family. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
277 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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