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do you agree or disagree that in the past younger people rely on their parents to make decision for them, and today the are more able to make decision independently v.1

that in the past younger people rely on their parents to make decision for them, and today the are more able to make decision independently v. 1
The training of children at home is debatable. Although, some people believe that it is the most effective for the development of a child. Other people believe that education at school environment is the best, which I agree. This essay will discuss both aspects in detail and provide evidence as to why learning in a school is more important. On the one hand, training children at home helps to facilitate the improvement of morals Young ones that are trained at home tend to possess better views of life and act accordingly. Children become more contented and selfless through the help of the knowledge instilled at home. For example, these young ones who learn from home environment are able to uphold the ethics, good values and heritage of their culture. In short, the society becomes much safer to live in because children who grow into adulthood in the communities are morally upright. On the other hand, learning within a school environment aid the advancement of the intelligence quotient of pupils. Children who are trained in a school are exposed to local and foreign information that challenge their mentality. Consequently, such children become better positioned to compete with their colleagues in the future, in the job market. For example, a child who has studied at a school is better informed to undertake a professional task within a company. The skills are sought by employers, and the best of candidates is employed. Therefore, children who study in schools become more brilliant and stand better chances of being competitive in the labour market. In conclusion, learning at school is more important for the development of children than learning at home. It improves their intelligence quotient in order to be more competitive in the labour market.
The training of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
at home is debatable. Although,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that it is the most effective for the development of a child. Other
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that education at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
environment is the best, which I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
. This essay will discuss both aspects in detail and provide evidence as to why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learning
in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
is more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
.

On the one hand, training
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
at home
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
to facilitate the improvement of morals Young ones that
are trained
at home tend to possess
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
better
views of life and act
accordingly
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
become
more contented and selfless through the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
of the knowledge instilled at home.
For example
, these young ones
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
learn from home environment are able to uphold the ethics,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
values and heritage of their culture. In short, the society
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
becomes
much safer to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
grow into adulthood in the communities are
morally
upright.

On the other hand
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learning
within a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
environment aid the advancement of the intelligence quotient of pupils.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
are trained
in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
are exposed
to local and foreign information that challenge their mentality.
Consequently
, such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
become
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
better
positioned to compete with their colleagues in the future, in the job market.
For example
, a child
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
has studied at a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
better
informed to undertake a professional task within a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
. The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
are sought
by employers, and the best of candidates
is employed
.
Therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
study in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
become
more brilliant and stand
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
better
chances of being competitive in the
Possible spelling mistake. 'labour' is British English.
labour
market.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learning
at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
is more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for the development of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learning
at home. It
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improves
their intelligence quotient in order to be more competitive in the
Possible spelling mistake. 'labour' is British English.
labour
market.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay that in the past younger people rely on their parents to make decision for them, and today the are more able to make decision independently v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
291 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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