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do you agree or disagree that in the past younger people rely on their parents to make decision for them, and today the are more able to make decision independently v.2

that in the past younger people rely on their parents to make decision for them, and today the are more able to make decision independently v. 2
Decisions that we make through our lifespan are very significant, because our lifestyle, convenience, achievements and. . . are completely affected by our decisions. Some people believe that in past younger people was depended on their parents and they did make decisions for them. In contrast, today there are much more independence and decisions are made by the young people themselves. I support this idea that nowadays younger ones are better able to make decisions independently for some important reasons considered bellow. First, because of the massive improvements in technology, social networks and other media has progressed. There for young people have broad access to whatever they want. They can easily and in a twinkle of an eye find answer to any type of question that they need. They can also browse so many point of views and get familiar to everything. Hence, parents have smaller role as a wise advisor. Media, specially, internet, has become the sage advisor and have more information. As you can see, not bad to say that children are more informed than their parents these days and they don' t rely on their parents anymore. For instance, I wanted to decide about which university to attend, although my father is a university professor but he could not give enough information about the various universities in my country. Consequently, I started searching the universities on internet and I could easily acquire any information that I required with the help of internet and social media. This taught me that the world has progressed rapidly and there is many information rather than past so it' s better to rely on updated information rather than limited information than our parents possess. Secondly, in the past, children used to accept whatever that their parents told them, regardless of whether it' s true or not. This happened because they were fostered in a way that respect their parents and accept their ideas, even if they don' t seem really suitable. However, today the principals and values in the society have changed. As a result, younger people no more tend to accept what they are told and they prefer to carry out investigation about their decisions, rather than allow others, even their parents, decide for them. In fact, a kind of independence has been grown and widespread through young people. For example, my grandmother’s experience make it clear for me that how much they were dependent on their parents. She told me that she had seen her husband only twice before their marriage and everything had been managed precisely by their parent and they just accept what they were told. In comparison with my life today, I can understand that they were obedient. In sum, because of the rapid exchange of plenty of data, in comparison with parent’s, infants tend to trust on online data rather than their parent’s. Moreover, due to the different and changed principals today, children do not consider themselves obliged to obey their parents and they are more independent.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Decisions
that we
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
through our lifespan are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
significant,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
our lifestyle, convenience, achievements and.
Don't put a space before the full stop
.
Don't put a space before the full stop
.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
are
completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
by our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
decisions
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believe that in past younger
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
was depended
on their
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
parents and
they did
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
decisions
for them.
In contrast
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
today
there are much more independence and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
decisions
are made
by the young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
themselves. I support this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
that nowadays younger ones are better able to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
decisions
independently
for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
reasons considered bellow.

First
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the massive improvements in technology, social networks and other media has progressed. There for young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have broad access to whatever they want. They can
easily
and in a twinkle of an eye find answer to any type of question that they need. They can
also
browse
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
Possible agreement error. The noun point seems to be countable; consider using: "many points".
many point
of views and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
familiar to everything.
Hence
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
have smaller role as a wise advisor. Media,
specially
, internet, has become the sage advisor and have more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
. As you can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
, not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
to say that children are more informed than their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
these
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
days and
they
Possible spelling mistake found.
don&
#039; t rely on their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
anymore.
For instance
, I wanted to decide about which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
to attend, although my father is a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
professor
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
he could not give
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
about the various
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
universities
in my country.
Consequently
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
searching the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
universities
on internet and I could
easily
acquire any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
that I required with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
of internet and social media. This taught me that the world has progressed
rapidly
and there is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rather
than past
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
Possible spelling mistake found.
it&
#039; s better to rely on updated
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rather
than limited
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
than our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
possess.

Secondly
, in the past, children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
accept
whatever that their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
told
them, regardless of whether
Possible spelling mistake found.
it&
#039; s true or not. This happened
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they
were fostered
in a way that respect their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
accept
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
, even if they
Possible spelling mistake found.
don&
#039; t seem
really
suitable.
However
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
today
the principals and values in the society have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
.
As a result
, younger
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
no more tend to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
accept
what they are
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
told and
they prefer to carry out investigation about their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
decisions
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rather
than
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
others, even their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
, decide for them. In fact, a kind of independence has
been grown
and widespread through young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
For example
, my grandmother’s experience
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
for me that how much they were dependent on their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
. She
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
told
me that she had
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
her husband
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
twice
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
their marriage and everything had
been managed
precisely
by their
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
parent and
they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
accept
what they were
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
told
.
In comparison
with my life
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
today
, I can understand that they were obedient.

In sum,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the rapid exchange of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
plenty
of data,
in comparison
with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parent’s
, infants tend to trust on online data
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rather
than their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parent’s
.
Moreover
, due to the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
principals
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
today
, children do not consider themselves obliged to obey their
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
parents and
they are more independent.
17Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
55Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
15Mistakes
The joy of knowing a foreign language is inexpressible. I find it really difficult to express such joy in my mother tongue.
Munia Khan

IELTS essay that in the past younger people rely on their parents to make decision for them, and today the are more able to make decision independently v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
501 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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