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Do you agree or disagree that improvements in technology reduce the role of olympic games? v.1

that improvements in technology reduce the role of olympic games? v. 1
Increasing advancement in the technological field has raised a question, whether it is adversely affecting the Olympic games or not. This essay disagrees with the given statement because in the modern era, sports has also become modernized due to the enhancement in the commercialism and professionalism. To commence with, technical development is influencing the commercial world. Since games, such as the Olympic, are playing at the global level, and innumerable spectators watch these games, therefore it might provide an excellent opportunity for the advertising company to endorse their products, and such companies use vast automation to attract the customers. For instance, ads pertaining to the various vehicles which are new in the market are quite common in the stadiums and moreover, some manufacturers even launch their products at the time of these sports meet. Thus modern technology is not reducing the fame of these games in fact, it would promote them all over the world. Furthermore, technology has flooded the sports-persons with modern equipments and advanced way of learning. Every day newer gadgets are coming on the market which can boost the performance of the players and make them excel in their field. For example, in the remote areas where devices and modern equipments are not easily available, people lag behind their counterparts in the sports world. To elucidate, it would not be appropriate to say that in the contemporary era, Olympic has lost their identity. In conclusion, despite certain threats associated with the use of technology, it may not be wise to conclude that it is reducing the role of multinational sports. However, I must say that it has further enhanced its horizons.
Increasing advancement in the technological field has raised a question, whether it is
adversely
affecting the Olympic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
or not. This essay disagrees with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
statement
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
modern
era,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
has
also
become modernized due to the enhancement in the commercialism and professionalism.

To commence with, technical development is influencing the commercial world. Since
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
, such as the Olympic, are playing at the global level, and innumerable spectators
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
,
therefore
it might provide an excellent opportunity for the advertising
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
to endorse their products, and such
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
vast automation to attract the customers.
For instance
, ads pertaining to the various vehicles which are new in the market are quite common in the stadiums and
moreover
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
manufacturers even launch their products at the time of these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Thus
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
modern
technology is not reducing the fame of these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
in fact, it would promote them all over the world.

Furthermore
, technology has flooded the sports-persons with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
modern
equipments and advanced way of learning. Every day newer gadgets are coming on the market which can boost the performance of the players and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them excel in their field.
For example
, in the remote areas where devices and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
modern
equipments are not
easily
available,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
lag behind their counterparts in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
world. To elucidate, it would not be appropriate to say that in the contemporary era, Olympic has lost their identity.

In conclusion
, despite certain threats associated with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of technology, it may not be wise
to conclude
that it is reducing the role of multinational
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
.
However
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
say that it has
further
enhanced its horizons.
13Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
12Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
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Virginia Woolf

IELTS essay that improvements in technology reduce the role of olympic games? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
274 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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