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do you agree or disagree/ In order to become financially responsible adults, children should learn to manage their own money at a young age v.1

/ In order to become financially responsible adults, children should learn to manage their own money at a young age v. 1
There are some people who believe that engaging children in some form of paid employment is totally wrong, while there are some people who think it is a valuable work experience. In my opinion, I think it is important for children to have some form of working experience as this will give them some career advantage in future. Firstly, work experience is an important factor considered by employers of labour. Hence, children who have done some jobs while growing up enjoy some advantage. For example, a company advertised a recent job opening within its organization with certain criteria for the potential employees. What influenced the employer’s choice among the many candidates who applied was the candidates’ previous work experiences. As a result, the children who had prior employment records were selected. This demonstrates the importance of engaging in paid jobs. On the other hand, some companies have been seen to take advantage of children working for them as they were observed to have been underpaid the wages for their tasks. This is majorly because the children had little understanding of the sector and the standard wage commiserate with their labour. Another challenge is that some children are not able to balance their paid early working engagements with schooling due to the deeper interest they might have in one over the other. In both cases, however, the parents are responsible for ensuring that a balance is created between these two for the children. In conclusion, there is no doubt that having worked in an employment is important for children as they stand to enjoy some advantages over children without similar experiences when they grow up. The challenges with this can as well be managed when the parents are fully involved.
There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
believe that engaging
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
form of paid employment is
totally
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
, while there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
it is a valuable work
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experience
. In my opinion, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
form of working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experience
as this will give them
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
career
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advantage
Did you mean: "in the future"?
in future
.

Firstly
, work
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experience
is an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
factor considered by employers of
Possible spelling mistake. 'labour' is British English.
labour
.
Hence
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
have done
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
jobs while growing up enjoy
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advantage
.
For example
, a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
advertised a recent job opening within its organization with certain criteria for the potential employees. What influenced the employer’s choice among the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
candidates
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
applied was the candidates’ previous work
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experiences
.
As a result
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
had prior employment records
were selected
. This demonstrates the importance of engaging in paid jobs.

On the other hand
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
have been
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
to take
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advantage
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
working for them as they
were observed
to have been underpaid the wages for their tasks. This is
majorly
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
had
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
understanding of the sector and the standard wage commiserate with their
Possible spelling mistake. 'labour' is British English.
labour
. Another challenge is that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are not able to balance their paid early working engagements with schooling due to the deeper interest they might have in one over the other. In both cases,
however
, the parents are responsible for ensuring that a balance
is created
between these two for the children.

In conclusion
, there is no doubt that having worked in an employment is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
as they stand to enjoy
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advantages
over
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
without similar
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experiences
when they grow up. The challenges with this can
as well
be managed
when the parents are
fully
involved.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay / In order to become financially responsible adults, children should learn to manage their own money at a young age v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
289 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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