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Do you agree or disagree Governments should spend more money in support of the arts than in support of athletics such as state sponsored Olympic teams v.1

Governments should spend more money in support of the arts than in support of athletics such as state sponsored Olympic teams v. 1
All of the governments in the world have specific social plans and strategies to achieve their goals and targets. So from my point of view, I disagree with the statement that governments should spend more money to support of the art than in support of athletics such as state-sponsored Olympic team. I provide my opinion by two strong reasons which are state below: The first reason which deserves to be declared here is that, sport is a way and an opportunity to governments to introduce their country in the world and usually people when watch their athletic teams in the world competitions, they can be proud of themselves and it doesn’t matter that their teams will be wine or lose. Also people can enjoy and have fun time when they are watching sport programs. For example in my country there is a football team which is supported by people in some cities. By this team, People can introduce themselves to the world. In addition they can have enjoyable time when they are watching their matches. Another reason which I am intended to point out here is that, athletic teams can stimulate and encourage young people to do exercise and sport, and in that way governments can have healthier society with high efficiency in the long period. For example when I was a kid I was watching TV sport programs and I was encouraged all the time to do exercise, I had enthusiasm to spend all my time to do some specific sports and now after so many years I feel that efficiency in my life. I feel myself healthy without any disease or illness and thanks for such kind of TV sport programs. To draw a conclusion, these are my reasons that governments should support athletic teams with more money. therefore it is very crucial point to societies, which that kind of plans should increase their life standards and life styles.
Consider using "all the".
All of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
governments
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
have specific social plans and strategies to achieve their goals and targets.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
from my point of view, I disagree with the statement that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
governments
should spend more money to support of the art than in support of athletics such as state-sponsored Olympic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
team
. I provide my opinion by two strong
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reasons
which are state below:

The
first
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reason
which deserves to
be declared
here is that,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
is a way and an opportunity to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
governments
to introduce their country in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
and
usually
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
when
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
athletic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teams
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
competitions, they can be proud of themselves and it doesn’t matter that their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teams
will be wine or lose.
Also
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can enjoy and have fun
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
when they are watching
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
programs.
For example
in my country there is a football
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
team
which
is supported
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
cities. By this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
team
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
can introduce themselves to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
. In
The comma is probably missing here: "addition, they".
addition they
can have enjoyable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
when they are watching their matches.

Another
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reason
which I
am intended
to point out here is that,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
athletic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teams
can stimulate and encourage young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to do exercise and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
, and in that way
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
governments
can have healthier society with high efficiency in the long period.
For example
when I was a kid I was watching TV
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
programs and
I
was encouraged
all the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to do exercise, I had enthusiasm to spend all my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
specific
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
after
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
years I feel that efficiency in my life. I feel myself healthy without any disease or illness and thanks for such kind of TV
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
programs.

To draw a conclusion, these are my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reasons
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
governments
should support
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
athletic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teams
with more money.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
therefore
it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
crucial point to societies, which that kind of plans should increase their life standards and life styles.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
38Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay Governments should spend more money in support of the arts than in support of athletics such as state sponsored Olympic teams v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
321 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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