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Do you agree or disagree: after high school, graduates should take at least one year off to work or travel before entering university. v.1

: after high school, graduates should take at least one year off to work or travel before entering university. v. 1
With the increase in the number college and university students around the world, a debate has started about whether students should take diverse and different courses or just focusing on their major. In the essay, I will explain why I believe a wider range of courses and sciences is most beneficial for students. Turning firstly to the disadvantages of the full curriculum, increasing the number of subjects and courses required to graduate would increase the burden on students, which might overwhelm some students. A recent survey conducted among British university students has concluded that 70% of the students are already struggling with their study load. Moving on to the benefits of more subjects, diversifying university curriculums would a open a new possibilities for students, it would allow them to learn more about different fields, and how it could be helpful to their majors, which could lead to better integrations and cooperation between scientific fields. For example, engineering students could develop new medical and health system if they have a better understanding in biology and the human body. Furthermore, the more subjects the students have, the more chances they get in fulfilling different job roles, as they will have more knowledge about the new field. For instance, an accountant would be able to help with shipping and transportation, if he previously had a course in logistics. In conclusion, although widening the subjects for students might increase their study loads, I believe its advantages outweigh such drawbacks, hence a more diverse curriculum should be adopted by universities and colleges around the world.
With the increase in the number college and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
around the world, a debate has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
about whether
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
should take diverse and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
courses
or
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
focusing on their major. In the essay, I will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
why I believe a wider range of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
courses
and sciences is most beneficial for students.

Turning
firstly
to the disadvantages of the full curriculum, increasing the number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
courses
required to graduate would increase the burden on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
, which might overwhelm
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
. A recent survey conducted among British
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
has concluded that 70% of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
are already struggling with their study load.

Moving on to the benefits of more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
, diversifying
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
curriculums would
Use "an" instead of 'a' if the following word starts with a vowel sound, e.g. 'an article', 'an hour'
a
open a new
Don't use indefinite articles with plural words. Did you mean "possibility"?
possibilities
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
, it would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
them to learn more about
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
fields, and how it could be helpful to their majors, which could lead to better integrations and cooperation between scientific fields.
For example
, engineering
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
could develop new medical and health system if they have a better understanding in biology and the human body.
Furthermore
, the more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
have, the more chances they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
in fulfilling
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
job roles, as they will have more knowledge about the new field.
For instance
, an accountant would be able to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
with shipping and transportation, if he previously had a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
course
in logistics.

In conclusion
, although widening the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
might increase their study loads, I believe its advantages outweigh such drawbacks,
hence
a more diverse curriculum should
be adopted
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
universities
and colleges around the world.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
He who knows no foreign languages knows nothing of his own.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

IELTS essay : after high school, graduates should take at least one year off to work or travel before entering university. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
260 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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