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Do you agree or disagree: after high school, graduates should take at least one year off to work or travel before entering university. v.2

: after high school, graduates should take at least one year off to work or travel before entering university. v. 2
It is no doubt that work or travel could afford students with different knowledge from textbooks and school education. To adapt to society full of changes and competition rapidly, graduates should acquire diverse knowledge and hacks as much as possible. Whether for students studying social sciences or humanities in the university, or for graduates learning engineering or sciences in college, work or travel could go a long way. This is the same for the graduates who will major in fine or performing arts in the university. Obiviouly, I will support the statement above. To begin with, work possesses advantages for students going for science or engineering major. We all know that technology development is charged with motivation and progress at a high pace. If graduates hope to hunt for great jobs in this areas, they should keep themselves contacting the most original technology advancement, which could be fulfilled by work or internship. At the same time, graduates of science major rely on creative ideas and inspiration to a large extent. In other words, they should cultivate their original ability which means more diverse and original thoughts’ input. This task chould also be realized by work. Internship before entering university could lay a solid foundation for following professional knowledge learning. Secondly, travel could produce lots of positive outcomes for students of fine or performing arts. By traveling they could consort all sorts of friends, contact all kinds of values and explore more cultures, which could expand their outlook and motivate the generation of creative inspiration. Meanwhile, students who will major in performing arts could observe and recognize more types of humans during travel. These experience could benefit them when it comes to performing specific roles. Besides, travel could release the graduates’ pressure and give them a chance to take a rest after a long time of studying. All in all, graudates could travel or work, recognizing the world in a different approach.
It is no doubt that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
travel
could afford
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
knowledge from textbooks and school education. To adapt to society full of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
and competition
rapidly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
graduates
should acquire diverse knowledge and hacks as much as possible. Whether for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
studying social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sciences
or humanities in the university, or for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
graduates
learning engineering or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sciences
in college,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
travel
could go a long way. This is the same for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
graduates
who will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
major
in fine or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
performing
arts in the university.
Possible spelling mistake found.
Obiviouly
, I will support the statement above.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
possesses advantages for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
going for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
science
or engineering
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
major
. We all know that technology development
is charged
with motivation and progress at a high pace. If
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
graduates
hope to hunt for great jobs in
Did you mean "these"?
this
areas, they should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
themselves contacting the most original technology advancement, which could
be fulfilled
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
or internship. At the same time,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
graduates
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
science
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
major
rely on creative
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
and inspiration to a large extent.
In other words
, they should cultivate their original ability which means more diverse and original thoughts’ input. This task
Possible spelling mistake found.
chould
also
be realized
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
. Internship
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
entering university could lay a solid foundation for following professional knowledge learning.

Secondly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
travel
could produce lots of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
outcomes for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
of fine or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
performing
arts. By traveling they could consort all sorts of friends, contact all kinds of values and explore more cultures, which could expand their outlook and motivate the generation of creative inspiration. Meanwhile,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
who will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
major
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
performing
arts could observe and recognize more types of humans during
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
travel
. These experience could benefit them when it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
performing
specific roles.
Besides
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
travel
could release the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
graduates’
pressure and give them a chance to take a rest after a long time of studying.

All in all,
Possible spelling mistake found.
graudates
could
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
travel
or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
, recognizing the world in a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
approach.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
35Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay : after high school, graduates should take at least one year off to work or travel before entering university. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
321 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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