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Do you agree or disagree? "The most important thing about a job is how much money you earn in that job. " v.90

"The most important thing about a job is how much money you earn in that job. " v. 90
It is a prevalent pattern to ask job seekers some personal questions such as their marital status and nationalities during an interview. Despite the supporters of this implementation, I believe that it is usually irrelevant and mostly unfair for many candidates. On the one hand, some personal information might be useful to gauge. For instance, hobbies can be good for soft skill assessment which can play a key role in recruiting. These soft skills let recruiters foresee the potential of prospective employees. As an example, people who like playing in team sports such as volleyball mostly tend to work as a team, and these people can boost their team’s performance. On the other hand, most of the personal data, such as candidates’ age, gender, and ethnicity are not related to task descriptions. This type of data mostly generates biases of people who are seeking for a place, and this information results in unfair selections. There are many concrete evidence of that kind of selections generate a disadvantage on some groups like women and immigrants. The University of Toronto, which demonstrated that personal detail is real obstructions for job seekers, and especially, candidates’ nationalities and genders play a key role in the hiring process. The study illustrated that candidates who are male and have a Caucasian name have more chances to be hired. In conclusion, the drawbacks that arise from enquiring personal report overweight its benefits. In my opinion, employers should focus on solid outcomes like education experience in lieu of personal info.
It is a prevalent pattern to ask job seekers
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
questions such as their marital status and nationalities during an interview. Despite the supporters of this implementation, I believe that it is
usually
irrelevant and
mostly
unfair for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
candidates.

On the one hand,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
information might be useful to gauge.
For instance
, hobbies can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
for soft
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
assessment which can play a key role in recruiting. These soft
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
recruiters foresee the potential of prospective employees. As an example,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who like playing in team sports such as volleyball
mostly
tend to work as a team, and these
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
can boost their team’s performance.

On the other hand
, most of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
data, such as candidates’ age, gender, and ethnicity are not related to task descriptions. This type of data
mostly
generates biases of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who are seeking for a place, and this information results in unfair selections. There are
Possible agreement error. The noun evidence seems to be uncountable; consider using: "much concrete evidence", "a good deal of concrete evidence".
many concrete evidence
of that kind of selections generate a disadvantage on
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
groups like women and immigrants. The University of Toronto, which demonstrated that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
detail is real obstructions for job seekers, and
especially
, candidates’ nationalities and genders play a key role in the hiring process. The study illustrated that candidates who are male and have a Caucasian name have more chances to
be hired
.

In conclusion
, the drawbacks that arise from
Possible spelling mistake. 'enquiring' is British English.
enquiring
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
report overweight its benefits. In my opinion, employers should focus on solid outcomes like education experience in lieu of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
info.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
One should not aim at being possible to understand but at being impossible to misunderstand.
Marcus Fabius Quintilian

IELTS essay "The most important thing about a job is how much money you earn in that job. " v. 90

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
252 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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