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do you agree or disagree? the rules that the whole societies today expect young people to follow and obey are too strict. v.53

the rules that the whole societies today expect young people to follow and obey are too strict. v. 53
Undoubtedly, we are living in a technological era, where technology has spread its legs in every nook and corners. Though, there are some individuals who hold the arguments that earlier technological developments are far better and advantageous to the society as compared to the recent ones. I firmly disagree with the statement. This essay will intend to support my opinion with relevant arguments. To begin with, latest developments have benefited and altered our lives in multifarious ways that we can enjoy almost all comforts and conveniences that life can ever offer before. Firstly, today we can take breakfast in London, lunch in Dubai, diner at India, owing to the fastest means of transportations. Secondly, the internet has revolutionised communication that today we are able to send and receive e-mails at the click of the mouse. It would be worthwhile to cite an example regarding internet usage that we chat and do video conferences with our kith and kin from any part of the globe. These are a few examples about how dramatically recent developments have benefited and modified our life. Furthermore, in the field of medicine, we have gadgets to diagnose cancer and many chronic diseases at such early stages that almost complete cures are possible. Also, if we look at the means we use to drive to work, the electrical appliances we use at home, the devices we use in our offices, the facilities and equipments that we use in factories, we can say with certainty that recent technological advancements have transformed our lives beyond imagination. Admittedly, earlier technological advancements did change our lives from the time when they were achieved, especially after the industrial revolution. However, it is self-evident as to what benefited and altered the people's life more, telegraph or smartphone, phonograph or MP4? To conclude, it is true to say that the past advancements did change the human being's life at some extent with time, but it is irrefutable to say that latest developments has less benefited or modified the ordinary people's life.
Undoubtedly
, we are living in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technological
era, where technology has spread its legs in every nook and corners. Though, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
individuals who hold the arguments that earlier
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technological
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
developments
are far better and advantageous to the society as compared to the recent ones. I
firmly
disagree with the statement. This essay will intend to support my opinion with relevant arguments.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with,
A determiner is probably missing here: "the latest".
latest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
developments
have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
benefited
and altered our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
in multifarious ways that we can enjoy almost all comforts and conveniences that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
can ever offer
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
.
Firstly
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
we can take breakfast in London, lunch in Dubai, diner at India, owing to the fastest means of transportations.
Secondly
, the internet has
Possible spelling mistake. 'revolutionised' is British English.
revolutionised
communication that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
we are able to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
send
and receive e-mails at the click of the mouse. It would be worthwhile to cite an example regarding internet usage that we chat and do video conferences with our kith and kin from any part of the globe. These are a few examples about how
dramatically
recent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
developments
have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
benefited
and modified our life.

Furthermore
, in the field of medicine, we have gadgets to diagnose cancer and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
chronic diseases at such early stages that almost complete cures are possible.
Also
, if we look at the means we
Make sure that 'use to' is correct. For habitual actions in the past or to mean 'accustomed to', use "used to".
use to
drive to work, the electrical appliances we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
at home, the devices we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
in our offices, the facilities and equipments that we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
in factories, we can say with certainty that recent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technological
advancements have transformed our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
beyond imagination.

Admittedly
, earlier
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technological
advancements did
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
from the time when they
were achieved
,
especially
after the industrial revolution.
However
, it is self-evident as to what
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
benefited
and altered the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
more, telegraph or smartphone, phonograph or MP4?

To conclude
, it is true to say that the past advancements did
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
the human being's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
at
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
extent with time,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it is irrefutable to say that latest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
developments
has less
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
benefited
or modified the ordinary
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay the rules that the whole societies today expect young people to follow and obey are too strict. v. 53

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
337 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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