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The pie charts below describe average household expenditures by major categories in Japan and Malaysia in 2010. Write a report for a university lecturer describing the information shown. v.1

The pie charts below describe average household expenditures by major categories in Japan and Malaysia in 2010. Write a report for a university lecturer describing the information shown. v. 1
It is often thought that a lot of people are participating in physical activities in a younger age. Although, most of them are stopping when they grow up. In the next paragraphs, I will discuss the reason and what can be done to prevent it. One of the first problems of this issue is that there are more priorities in an adult's life. The reason for this is that once you get older there will be more responsibilities to experience a stable life. In other words, a person needs to fulfil those duties to take care of the family. For instance, providing employment is one of the tasks that makes it possible to pay the monthly bills. Moreover, this is also one of the things that is time consuming but effective in a certain ways. All in all, receiving spare time in the future is becoming difficult due to the high expectance of fulfilling the duties. A possible solution to this problem would be to reduce the amount of working days. The reason for this is that it will increase the chance to get some free time. For instance, this way it is a lot easier to provide some hours on your health and lifestyle. Moreover, fitness can keep your mind healthy and reduce the possibility for depression and other illnesses. So that's why, it is more advisable to give yourself some moments to relax. To conclude, many inhabitants are taking part in the gym or other activities, which will make you move for a number of hours. However, a lot of them are stopping fitness because of a busy schedule. This can be prevented by taking a few days off to expend some time on ourselves.
It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are participating in physical activities in a younger age. Although, most of them are stopping when they grow up. In the
next
paragraphs, I will discuss the reason and what can
be done
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
it.

One of the
first
problems of this issue is that there are more priorities in an adult's life.
The reason for this is
that once you
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
older there will be more responsibilities to experience a stable life.
In other words
, a person needs to fulfil those duties to take care of the family.
For instance
, providing employment is one of the tasks that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
it possible to pay the monthly bills.
Moreover
, this is
also
one of the things
that is
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
time consuming
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
effective in a certain
Don't use indefinite articles with plural words. Did you mean "way"?
ways
. All in all, receiving spare
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
in the future is becoming difficult due to the high
Possible spelling mistake found.
expectance
of fulfilling the duties.

A possible solution to this problem would be to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the amount of working days.
The reason for this is
that it will increase the chance to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
.
For instance
, this way it is a lot easier to provide
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
hours on your health and lifestyle.
Moreover
, fitness can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
your mind healthy and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the possibility for depression and other illnesses.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
that's why, it is more advisable to give yourself
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
moments to relax.

To conclude
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
inhabitants are taking part in the gym or other activities, which will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
you
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
for a number of hours.
However
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
them are stopping fitness
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of a busy schedule. This can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevented
by taking a few days off to expend
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
on ourselves.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
One language sets you in a corridor for life. Two languages open every door along the way.
Frank Smith

IELTS essay The pie charts below describe average household expenditures by major categories in Japan and Malaysia in 2010. Write a report for a university lecturer describing the information shown. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
287 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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