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Do you agree or disagree? Television advertising directed toward young children (aged two to five) should not be allowed. v.196

Television advertising directed toward young children (aged two to five) should not be allowed. v. 196
Nowadays, it is commonly accepted that the young children should not have part in the TV advertisements. Contrary to this popular belief, there are still those who argue that there should be no restriction on participation of the children in the advertisements. I, to a great extent, agree with the latter view that the children can have active role in the advertisements. First and foremost, existence of the children in the commercial advertisements is vital for advertising their special products. As an example, when the advertisements is about the child' s napkins, then, for sure the children should have part in them. On the contrast, imagine the advertisement that a woman speaks about the importance and quality of the product, it should be monotonous for the audience and also it would be like a lecture. It does not contain any impressive effect as it might has on the audience. The other substantial reason that should be taken into consideration is that having role in the ads provides this chance for the children (especially aged four or five) to be familiar with the condition of the film making. Maybe at the first glance it seems that it could not be especial experience for them but totally it could be fruitful. For instance, if the child is shy and cannot be able to act in front of many other people, he would not be able to have performance in following years. Hence, this experience can be really assist their parents to be aware of their child' s performance talents. On the other hand, there are some ones that chooses theatre as their major though they do not have enough self-confidence for acting and they waste lots of time and energy in the way that they are not qualified for. For intensifying the importance of this point, I can refer to many actors or actresses that their first experience were participation in the TV ads in their childhood. Finally yet importantly, the children in the advertisement usually attract more audiences. More people notice to the advertisement and the product. For instance, in an ads for the soap, a cute child who became dirty can be appealing for the adults. Recently I have read an article in the newspaper that the results of a survey depict that the advertisements with the children have more audiences and more audiences mean that there would be more potential customers. Hence, the advertisements which children have part in can be categorize as successful advertisements because there would have financial benefits for the company. To recapitulate briefly, based on aforementioned reasons, I can draw this conclusion that the children' s attendance in the advertisements have advantages that overweight its disadvantages. I consider that there would not be any obligation for existence of the children.
Nowadays, it is
commonly
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
accepted
that the young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should not have part in the TV
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisements
. Contrary to this popular belief, there are
still
those who argue that there should be no restriction on participation of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisements
. I, to a great extent,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the latter view that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can have active role in the advertisements.

First
and foremost, existence of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in the commercial
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisements
is vital for advertising their special products. As an example, when the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisements
You should probably use: "are".
is
about the
Possible spelling mistake found.
child&
#039; s napkins, then, for sure the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should have part in them. On the contrast, imagine the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisement
that a woman speaks about the importance and quality of the product, it should be monotonous for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
audience
and
also
it would be like a lecture. It does not contain any impressive effect as it might
The verb 'might' requires the base form of the verb: "have"
has
on the audience.

The other substantial reason that should
be taken
into consideration is that having role in the ads provides this chance for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
(
especially
aged four or five) to be familiar with the condition of the film making. Maybe at the
first
glance it seems that it could not be especial experience for them
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
totally
it could be fruitful.
For instance
, if the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
is shy and cannot be able to act in front of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
other
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
, he would not be able to have performance in following years.
Hence
, this experience can be
really
Consider using a past participle here: "assisted".
assist
their parents to be aware of their
Possible spelling mistake found.
child&
#039; s performance talents.
On the other hand
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
ones that chooses
Possible spelling mistake. 'theatre' is British English.
theatre
as their major though they do not have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
self-confidence for
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
acting and
they waste lots of time and energy in the way that they are not qualified for. For intensifying the importance of this point, I can refer to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
actors or actresses that their
first
experience were participation in the TV ads in their childhood.

Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Finally
yet
importantly
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisement
usually
attract more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
audiences
. More
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
notice to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisement
and the product.
For instance
, in
Don't use indefinite articles with plural words. Did you mean "an ad" or simply "ads"?
an ads
for the soap, a cute
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
who became dirty can be appealing for the adults. Recently I have read an article in the newspaper that the results of a survey depict that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisements
with the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
have more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
audiences
and more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
audiences
mean that there would be more potential customers.
Hence
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisements
which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
have part in can be
Consider using the past participle "categorized"?
categorize
as successful
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisements
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
there would have financial benefits for the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
.

To recapitulate
briefly
, based on aforementioned reasons, I can draw this conclusion that the
Possible spelling mistake found.
children&
#039; s attendance in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisements
have advantages that overweight its disadvantages. I consider that there would not be any obligation for existence of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
14Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
30Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
11Mistakes

IELTS essay Television advertising directed toward young children (aged two to five) should not be allowed. v. 196

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
465 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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