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TPO 8 Task 2 Do you agree or disagree with the statement Television advertising directed toward young children aged two to five should not be allowed v.1

TPO 8 Task 2 Television advertising directed toward young children aged two to five should not be allowed v. 1
Childhood is the most crucial stage of the human life. Many thinkers believe that the group activities must be promoted among children, rather than enabling a child to remain busy on his own. Both these notions, along with my personal view, will be discussed in this essay. On one hand, there are numerous benefits of allowing a child to enjoy his own company. The foremost being, the children learn to tackle problems on their own, which will prove to be beneficial in the latter part of their lives. Moreover, it will help the pupils to ponder their aspirations and beliefs, hence, enabling them to set the goals by themselves. Apart from this, solitude keeps a young person away from the bad company. For instance, as per a research by a popular magazine, around 80 percent of the teenagers indulge in illegal activities because of negative influence of their peer groups. On the other hand, it is advisable to encourage children to participate in social activities because of number of reasons. Firstly, by these undertakings, an individual tends to inculcate traits like team work, mutual understanding, skill development, and even co-operation with other members, thus, enabling them to adapt well in the society. Secondly, many group tasks which are carried on during the early years keeps the mind and body of an individual active and fit as they can indulge in fun exercises while playing some group sports. Last but not the least, these community ventures for young pupils are healthier as they prevent many psychological disorders. To illustrate, according to a research, the chances of becoming prone to depression is seen much greater in youngsters who spend most of their time alone. To conclude, albeit it is an excellent norm to give plenty of solitary time to a young individual, however, in my opinion, the youngsters must be motivated to take part in socializing activities for their holistic growth.
Childhood is the most crucial stage of the human life.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
thinkers believe that the group
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be promoted
among children,
rather
than enabling a child to remain busy on his
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
. Both these notions, along with my personal view, will
be discussed
in this essay.

On one hand, there are numerous benefits of allowing a child to enjoy his
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
. The foremost being, the children learn to tackle problems on their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
, which will prove to be beneficial in the latter part of their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.
Moreover
, it will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
the pupils to ponder their aspirations and beliefs,
hence
, enabling them to set the goals by themselves. Apart from this, solitude
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keeps
a young person away from the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
.
For instance
, as per
Uncountable nouns are usually not used with an indefinite article. Use simply "research".
a research
by a popular magazine, around 80 percent of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
indulge in illegal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
influence of their peer groups.

On the other hand
, it is advisable to encourage children to participate in social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of number of reasons.
Firstly
, by these undertakings, an individual tends to inculcate traits like team work, mutual understanding,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
development, and even co-operation with other members,
thus
, enabling them to adapt well in the society.
Secondly
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
group tasks which
are carried
on during the early years
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keeps
the mind and body of an individual active and fit as they can indulge in fun exercises while playing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
group sports. Last
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
not the least, these community ventures for young pupils are healthier as they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
psychological disorders. To illustrate, according to a research, the chances of becoming prone to depression is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
much greater in youngsters who spend most of their time alone.

To conclude
, albeit it is an excellent norm to give
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
plenty
of solitary time to a young individual,
however
, in my opinion, the youngsters
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be motivated
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
take part
in socializing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
for their holistic growth.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
Language is the blood of the soul into which thoughts run and out of which they grow.
Oliver Wendell Holmes

IELTS essay TPO 8 Task 2 Television advertising directed toward young children aged two to five should not be allowed v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
319 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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