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do you agree or disagree? people should buy things made in their own country, even if they are more expensive than things made in other countries. v.18

people should buy things made in their own country, even if they are more expensive than things made in other countries. v. 18
While some people would argue that international sport events admonishes more people to participate in physical activities, I strongly believe that building more sport complexes within local  communities will motivate more people to exercise. On the one hand, World Cup events often involve a large number of sport competitions and players, which implies that many athletes will spend time training and trying to get fit so that they can be qualified for their team. For example, sports such as soccer, rugby or baseball requires its team members to be physically fit to ensure optimum participation. In other word, many adults get involved in exercising more than they would normally do if these events do not hold. On the other hand, the presence of gyms and sport facilities that requires little membership fees or none in each community are a more suitable means to attract adults to participate in physical exercise. Most people are reluctant to go to the gym or stadium often because of the high cost of membership fees and sometimes, because of the distance to their home, which makes it inaccessible. Therefore, I think that when the government build and equip more of these facilities, such as basketball or tennis courts within each community with no fees required, more people will be interested in participating in physical activities. In conclusion, while people may vary in their opinion, I believe that the World Cup events are not the only means to motivate people to exercise, the more facilities available in various communities and its accessibility, the more people will be willing to engage in exercising.
While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
would argue that international
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
admonishes more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to participate in physical activities, I
strongly
believe that building more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
complexes within local
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
communities
will motivate more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to exercise.

On the one hand, World Cup
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
involve
Specify a number, remove phrase, or simply use "many" or "numerous"
a large number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
competitions and players, which implies that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
athletes will spend time training and trying to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
fit
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they can
be qualified
for their team.
For example
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
such as soccer, rugby or baseball requires its team members to be
physically
fit to ensure optimum participation. In other word,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
adults
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
involved in exercising more than they would
normally
do if these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
do not hold.

On the other hand
, the presence of gyms and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
facilities that requires
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
membership fees or none in each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
are a more suitable means to attract adults to participate in physical exercise. Most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are reluctant to go to the gym or stadium
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the high cost of membership fees and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the distance to their home, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
it inaccessible.
Therefore
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that when the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
build and equip more of these facilities, such as basketball or tennis courts within each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
with no fees required, more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will
be interested
in participating in physical activities.

In conclusion
, while
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
may vary in their opinion, I believe that the World Cup
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
are not the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
means to motivate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to exercise, the more facilities available in various
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
communities
and its accessibility, the more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will be willing to engage in exercising.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay people should buy things made in their own country, even if they are more expensive than things made in other countries. v. 18

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
266 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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