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Do you agree or disagree? Parents should offer money to their school-age children for each high grade they get. v.175

Parents should offer money to their school-age children for each high grade they get. v. 175
Students have to spend a great deal of their time at schools and study hard. So this is important for children to have a motivator to study hard. In this regard, I have to admit that I totally agree with the statement which says parents should offer financial aid to children for gaining mark. I have a couple of reasons in support of my view and I will elaborate my reasons in this essay and try to shed some light on my perspective through ample examples. The first exquisite point to be mentioned is that in my point of view money is a tools to engage children to study well at school. The story of my cousin could reveal my idea. As a ten years old boy, he prefers to spend most of his time play video games. His mother had to use a different strategy to promote his children to study. Finally, his mother asked him to rise his grade, as a result, she will give him a considerable amount of money. To make a long story short, that mechanism really works for him and now my cousin is number one student in his classroom From another aspect children feel more responsible to their task. We should bear in mind that children have to deal with the difficulty of their future and they must prepare for new roles in society. Children have to learn the importance of their efforts, they could earn money only by hard working. My personal anecdote will well demonstrate this point of view. My parents taugh me to study hard and if I study enough they give me money. This way of working shape my mind logically, working hard equal to earn money. Consequently, my parents convey how to deal with my career to do my best. Taken all aspects mentioned above into consideration, I am pretty convinced that there are a number of benefits to foster the idea that parents should financial supports for children to increase their grades. Meanwhile, an increasing number of parents believe that by offering money for rising grades, children will look forward for parents’ aid, while grad is inseperable part of study and children must do their best at schools without asking for money. These kind of people blame money as a motivator for other kind of aggressive behavior. Children will impolite and ask for money not to do so.
Students
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
spend a great deal of their time at schools and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hard
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
this is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to have a motivator to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hard
. In this regard, I
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
admit that I
totally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the statement which says
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should offer financial aid to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
for gaining mark. I have a couple of reasons in support of my view and I will elaborate my reasons in this essay and try to shed
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
light on my perspective through ample examples.

The
first
exquisite point to
be mentioned
is that in my point of view
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
is
Don't use indefinite articles with plural words. Did you mean "a tool" or simply "tools"?
a tools
to engage
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
well at school. The story of my cousin could reveal my
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
. As a ten years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
boy, he prefers to spend most of his time play video games. His mother had to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
strategy to promote his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
.
Finally
, his mother asked him to rise his grade,
as a result
, she will give him a considerable amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a long story short, that mechanism
really
works for him and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
my cousin is number one student in his
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
classroom


From another aspect
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
feel more responsible to their task. We should bear in mind that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
deal with the difficulty of their
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
future and
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
prepare for new roles in society.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
learn the importance of their efforts, they could earn
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
by
This expression is normally spelled as one or with hyphen.
hard working
. My personal anecdote will well demonstrate this point of view. My
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
Possible spelling mistake found.
taugh
me to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hard
and if I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
they give me
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
. This way of working shape my mind
logically
, working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hard
equal to earn
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
.
Consequently
, my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
convey how to deal with my career to do my best.

Taken all aspects mentioned above into consideration, I am pretty convinced that there are a number of benefits to foster the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should financial supports for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to increase their grades. Meanwhile, an increasing number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
believe that by offering
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
for rising grades,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
will look forward for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents’
aid, while grad is
Possible spelling mistake found.
inseperable
part of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
do their best at schools without asking for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
.
Did you mean "this kind" or "These kinds"?
These kind
of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
blame
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
as a motivator for other kind of aggressive behavior.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
will impolite and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ask for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
not to do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
.
4Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
38Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Parents should offer money to their school-age children for each high grade they get. v. 175

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
401 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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