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Do you agree disagree with the following statement? The most important thing the government can do to keep people healthy is to clean the environment. v.1

The most important thing the government can do to keep people healthy is to clean the environment. v. 1
Nowadays, it is becoming more popular for having more than one job. Generally speaking, most the people need to work hard to meet the daily needs of their families and to cope with the current high living cost. For many, it is also normal to changing to another path for different reasons, but first of all, the most significant reason is to improve living quality. Turning to more details of this situation, the majority of developing countries’ population needs to work in two different jobs because of the low financial income. Take a school teacher in these countries as an example, some of them working out the school hours in the private lessons to increase their income, and some may be working on a second completely different job of their basic career for so many reasons or even to getting some experiences. Moreover, several people decided to change their current career to another better from their viewing to improve their financial state or just to feel comfier. On the other hand, there are some of the drawbacks of this decision, one of the most advantages, it can be very hard to working for long hours daily that might impact the general person's health and even on social relationships. But eventually, that is a human's natural that always tries to find a suitable place to live that suit life requirements. To sum up, working for several hours daily or changing a career is not an easy thing to do, it is considered as challenging with life. In fact, sometimes we need to get in challenge to fight life difficulties and achieve success.
Nowadays, it is becoming more popular for having more than one job.
Generally
speaking, most the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
to work
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
the daily
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
needs
of their families and to cope with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
high living cost. For
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
, it is
also
normal to changing to another path for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
reasons,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
first of all
, the most significant reason is to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
living quality.

Turning to more
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
details
of this situation, the majority of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developing countries
’ population
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
needs
to work in two
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
jobs
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the low financial income. Take a school teacher in these countries as an example,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
of them
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
out the school hours in the private lessons to increase their income, and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
may be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
on a second completely
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
job of their basic career for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
reasons or even to getting
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
experiences.
Moreover
, several
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
decided to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
career to another better from their viewing to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their financial state or
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
to feel comfier.

On the other hand
, there are
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
drawbacks of this decision, one of the most advantages, it can be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
for long hours daily that might impact the general person's health and even on social relationships.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
eventually
,
that is
a human's natural that always tries to find a suitable place to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
that suit life requirements.

To sum up,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
for several hours daily or changing a career is not an easy thing to do, it
is considered
as challenging with life. In fact,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
we
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
in challenge to fight life difficulties and achieve success.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay The most important thing the government can do to keep people healthy is to clean the environment. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
271 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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