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Do you agree or disagree with the following statement It is better to pursue a career that is similar to one of your parents careers than to pursue a career that is different from your parents careers v.1

It is better to pursue a career that is similar to one of your parents careers than to pursue a career that is different from your parents careers v. 1
At this present time, work has become an essential requirement in everyone's daily life. Hence, certain individuals choose to work in one field rather than changing. Whereas, the rest of the folks like to change the field frequently. In my opinion, staying with one field provides a numerous advantages rather than changing it, owning to the fact that it will give more benefits than changing the field. On the one hand, the prime benefit of staying with one field is the opportunity to have a plethora of achievement in life, such as promotion, higher position, increased salary and so on. Thus, a person will able to support his family financially. Moreover, it will also provide a security as a pension for later life, so that they do not have to worried about their older age. For instance, as per the employment data of the India, 80% of the people stick to the same field due to the offer of pension plan that secure their later life. On the other hand, changing field work also has an advantage of increasing the knowledge of the person. When a person jumps from one field to another, there are people who are there to support them at each step. But at some point they have to find their own way to tackle the issues. This would force them to search for information and accidentally they explore the new knowledge. This is how they boost their knowledge. For instance, the research department of the US found that 70% of the youth are highly knowledgeable because they frequently change their interest in work. From my point of view, it is better to stay with one work than changing it has it will give future security later in life, because today's children do not have intention to take care of their older parents. Therefore, it is the best idea to think ahead of time. In conclusion, changing focus from one job to another indeed increase the knowledge of a person. However, if a person takes some vital topics in consideration while deciding to change the field, then it can tackle the disadvantage of changing the field to some extent.
At this present time,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
has become an essential requirement in everyone's daily
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
.
Hence
, certain individuals choose to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
in one
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
field
rather
than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
changing
.
“Whereas” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Whereas
, the rest of the folks like to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
field
frequently
. In my opinion, staying with one
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
field
provides a numerous
Don't use indefinite articles with plural words. Did you mean "advantage"?
advantages
rather
than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
changing
it, owning to the fact that it will give more benefits than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
changing
the field.

On the one hand, the prime benefit of staying with one
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
field
is the opportunity to have a plethora of achievement in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
, such as promotion, higher position, increased salary and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on.
Thus
, a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
Did you mean "will be able"?
will able
to support his family
financially
.
Moreover
, it will
also
provide a security as a pension for later
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they do not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
worried about their older age.
For instance
, as per the employment data of the India, 80% of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
stick to the same
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
field
due to the offer of pension plan that secure their later life.

On the other hand
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
changing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
field
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
also
has an advantage of increasing the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
knowledge
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
. When a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
jumps from one
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
field
to another, there are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who are there to support them at each step.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
at
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
point they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
find their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
way to tackle the issues. This would force them to search for information and
accidentally
they explore the new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
knowledge
. This is how they boost their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
knowledge
.
For instance
, the research department of the US found that 70% of the youth are
highly
knowledgeable
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they
frequently
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
their interest in work.

From my point of view, it is better to stay with one
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
changing
it has it will give future security later in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
's children do not have intention to take care of their older parents.
Therefore
, it is the best
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
ahead of time.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
changing
focus from one job to another
indeed
increase the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
knowledge
of a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
.
However
, if a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
takes
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
vital topics in consideration while deciding to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
field
, then it can tackle the disadvantage of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
changing
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
field
to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
extent.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay It is better to pursue a career that is similar to one of your parents careers than to pursue a career that is different from your parents careers v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
362 words
7.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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