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Do you agree/ disagree that parents should forbid their growing children from using smartphones. v.1

Do you agree/ disagree that parents should forbid their growing children from using smartphones. v. 1
It is known that more children are making use of smartphones, but should parents prohibit the use of these devices? I totally agree that parents should totally forbid the use of smartphones to children. Fist of all, making use of smartphones at young age lead children to encapsulate in a virtual world rather than the real world. In other words, children should be more aware about the outside world than the virtual one, because it will help with their growth as a healthy child. For example, kids that spend more time in an electronic device could develop attention deficit and. Therefore, encourage kids to prefer the reality so they can learn about human behaviour. Secondly, children could develop obesity and health problems if they spend lots of time using a smartphone. This is because they will prefer to play in the cellphone, rather than playing with other kids or practicing sports. For instance, a kid that spends 70 percent of his day playing with his cellphone could develop mobility affections due to a sedentary lifestyle. So, to prevent illness and mental problems in children, they must reduce the time that they spend of this electronic device. To conclude, parents must be careful about giving smartphone to their children because it could be harmful for their physical and mental health.
It
is known
that more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are making
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of smartphones,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
should parents prohibit the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of these devices? I
totally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that parents should
totally
forbid the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of smartphones to children.

Fist of all, making
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of smartphones at young age lead
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to encapsulate in a virtual world
rather
than the real world.
In other words
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should be more aware about the outside world than the virtual one,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
with their growth as a healthy child.
For example
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
more time in an electronic device could develop attention deficit and.
Therefore
, encourage
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
to prefer the reality
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they can learn about human
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
.

Secondly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
could develop obesity and health problems if they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
lots of time using a smartphone. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they will prefer to play in the cellphone,
rather
than playing with other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
or practicing sports.
For instance
, a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kid
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spends
70 percent of his day playing with his cellphone could develop mobility affections due to a sedentary lifestyle.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
illness and mental problems in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the time that they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
of this electronic device.

To conclude
, parents
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be careful about giving smartphone to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it could be harmful for their physical and mental health.
14Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
14Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay Do you agree/ disagree that parents should forbid their growing children from using smartphones. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
219 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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