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Do you agree/ disagree that parents should forbid their growing children from using smartphones. v.2

Do you agree/ disagree that parents should forbid their growing children from using smartphones. v. 2
In the modern world, the number of smartphone users is tremendously increasing, which has controversial issue whether or not, it is positive for growing kids. However, I personally believe that there are a lot of advantages of smartphones, with diverse reasons To begin with, there are several reasons for which parents should leave their children who play with their smartphones, which can improve their knowledge in various educational fields. Applications to enhance children' brain and memory, are highly likely to make children smart and clever, and also it helps children to find their interests and stimulate curiosities. In addition, it is economically reasonable for their parents, since they do not need to spend a lot of money attending their children to the private institutions in which prospective-students are mainly go and study pre-review of general majors. For instance, by using diverse education-related applications, young generations can fully enjoy studying on their own. Another point worth mentioning is that it cannot help saying the safety issues. Nowadays, young children are highly likely to be exposed to the crime. According to a recent survey, sexual harassments and kidnapping are becoming severe, compared to the past. Which would lead to the concerns of their parents, eventually they have no choice but to give the smartphone to their child, for ensuring their safety from diverse vicious circumstances. For example, children can text messages and call to their parents by using smartphone when they faced with dangerous situations, then parents can protect their children from worse moments. In conclusion, smartphone is the crucial role in educating and securing elements and have still a lot of positive aspects. So, it is worthwhile providing their children with smartphone, provided that a few regulations should be considered, which do not use it excessively.
In the modern world, the number of smartphone users is
tremendously
increasing, which has controversial issue
Consider shortening this phrase to just "whether". It is correct though if you mean 'regardless of whether'.
whether or not
, it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
for growing kids.
However
, I
personally
believe that there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
advantages of smartphones, with diverse reasons

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, there are several reasons for which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
who play with their smartphones, which can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their knowledge in various educational fields. Applications to enhance children' brain and memory, are
highly
likely to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
smart and clever, and
also
it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to find their interests and stimulate curiosities.
In addition
, it is
economically
reasonable for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
, since they do not need to spend
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
money attending their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to the private institutions in which prospective-students are
mainly
Consider using a past participle here: "gone".
go
and study
Possible spelling mistake found.
pre-review
of general majors.
For instance
, by using diverse education-related applications, young generations can
fully
enjoy studying on their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
.

Another point worth mentioning is that it cannot
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
saying the safety issues. Nowadays, young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are
highly
likely to
be exposed
to the crime. According to a recent survey, sexual
Possible spelling mistake found.
harassments
and kidnapping are becoming severe, compared to the past. Which would lead to the concerns of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
,
eventually
they have no choice
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
to give the smartphone to their child, for ensuring their safety from diverse vicious circumstances.
For example
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can text messages and call to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
by using smartphone when they faced with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
situations, then
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
can protect their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
from worse moments.

In conclusion
, smartphone is the crucial role in educating and securing elements and have
still
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
aspects.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, it is worthwhile providing their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
with smartphone, provided that a few regulations should
be considered
, which do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
it
excessively
.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes
Language is the road map of a culture. It tells you where its people come from and where they are going.
Rita Mae Brown

IELTS essay Do you agree/ disagree that parents should forbid their growing children from using smartphones. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
295 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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