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Do agree or disagree/the extended family(grandparents, cousins, aunts, and uncles) is less important now than it was in the past. v.1

Do agree or disagree/the extended family(grandparents, cousins, aunts, and uncles) is less important now than it was in the past. v. 1
Some people believe that governments should only support their local citizens instead of residents in other countries. While it is true that the government need to focus on their own people, I would argue that it is also possible to provide support for others around the world. There are several reasons why governments should help people in their own nations. To begin with, the government need to improve the living standard of their own citizens. For instance, they could provide financial assistance for the poor to help them solve the basic problems of living such as a decent place to live or a proper meal for their family members. This would reduce crime rates, make their country safer, which leads to stable development. What is more, since the citizens pay tax for the government, it is their responsibility to help people from their own countries. If the government do not support their citizens, people might feel disappointed and lose trust in the government. Nevertheless, I believe that we can also support individuals coming from other parts of the world. First and foremost, where there are serious diseases, developed countries can send doctors and equipment to help poorer countries cope with these diseases. In 2014, for example, the European Commission provided more than $200 million of support to those African countries that are affected by Ebola. As a result, these countries were able to prevent the spread of this deadly disease. Furthermore, wealthy countries can invest in companies in poverty-stricken nations. Hence, these impoverished countries would have the opportunity to create more jobs and develop their economy. To sum up, although I acknowledge that it is necessary for the government to concentrate on their own citizens, I am still of the opinion that it is not impossible to provide aid for people in other countries.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
governments
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
support
their local
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
citizens
instead
of residents in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
. While it is true that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
need to focus on their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, I would argue that it is
also
possible to provide
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
support
for others around the world.

There are several reasons why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
governments
should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
nations. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
need to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
the living standard of their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
citizens
.
For instance
, they could provide financial assistance for the poor to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
them solve the basic problems of living such as a decent place to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
or a proper meal for their family members. This would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
crime rates,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
safer, which leads to stable development.
What is more
, since the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
citizens
pay tax for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
, it is their responsibility to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
from their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
. If the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
do not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
support
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
citizens
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
might feel disappointed and lose trust in the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
.

Nevertheless
, I believe that we can
also
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
support
individuals coming from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
parts of the world.
First
and foremost, where there are serious diseases, developed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
send
doctors and equipment to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
poorer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
cope with these diseases. In 2014,
for example
, the European Commission provided more than $200 million of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
support
to those African
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
that are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
by Ebola.
As a result
, these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
were able to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
the spread of this deadly disease.
Furthermore
, wealthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
can invest in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
in poverty-stricken nations.
Hence
, these impoverished
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
would have the opportunity to create more jobs and develop their economy.

To sum up, although I acknowledge that it is necessary for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
to concentrate on their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
citizens
, I am
still
of the opinion that it is not impossible to provide aid for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Do agree or disagree/the extended family(grandparents, cousins, aunts, and uncles) is less important now than it was in the past. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
304 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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